christmas caroling

It's Christmas time and you know what that means! No, I'm not talking about presents, family, goodwill towards men, or anything like that. I'm talking about Christmas music. It's really the only holiday people write songs for. I mean, how many Easter songs can you name? Halloween songs? Arbor Day songs? I rest my case.

Well, everyone knows all of the traditional Christmas tunes, like Silent Night, White Christmas, Joy to the World... the list goes on and on. They're definitely good tunes, but come on, they're just about as played out as The Apprentice, don't you think?

So let's highlight some of the best non-traditional Christmas tunes of all time. Songs like...

"Last Christmas" by Wham
True, it's a song about heartbreak at Christmas, which is usually a downer. But the peppy karaoke style beat makes the toes tap, and come on, it's by the folks who brought you "Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go)" so it can't be THAT much of a downer. You can't help but smile when George Michael says he "gav" you his heart. Those cheeky brits, even when they mispronounce and butcher words they're still oh so charming, no?

"Blue Christmas" by Elvis Presley
How can you resist Elvis crooning a song about Christmas? Really, you just can't. This is my favorite Christmas song of all time, simply because of the distinctive vocal stylings of the big E. And speaking of big, isn't it astounding how Elvis went from sex symbol to Goodyear blimp in a matter of years? I mean I know people's metabolism slows down as they get older, but for a man to grow to 12 times his previous size, isn't that a tad much? What the heck was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Blue Christmas. Good song.

"This Christmas" by Donny Hathaway
If your idea of a lovely Christmas is mackin' on your fine ass honey to some smoothed out R&B grooves, well this is the Christmas song for you. Word.

"All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey
If you saw the movie Love Actually, you know this song -- it's the one the little girl sings at the end which makes the little boy break every airline regulation in the book so he can tell her he likes her. Mariah is normally a tad over the top, but it works for this song. If I ever need to violate FAA regulations in the name of love, I'm definitely dialing this tune up on the iPod.

And what analysis of non-traditional Christmas songs would be complete without delving into the worst of the worst. The most egregious example of holiday cheer gone wrong goes to none other than:



"Have a Funky, Funky Christmas" by New Kids on the Block
What do you get when you mix a handful of white kids from Boston, some whistles, a couple bells, a drum machine, and some of the saddest rapping this side of Vanilla Ice? That's right, this ode to Christmas. Thanks but no thanks, boys.

Merry Christmas everyone!

links of the day

No, i'm not just being lazy by merely posting links to other sites instead of writing something on my own. Um... ok, so maybe part of it is laziness. But these are quite amusing, and worth wasting at least 1.73% of your day on. Enjoy!

mr. pibb + red vines = crazy delicious!
The funniest SNL skit in quite a while is this quirky little "rap" video about a Sunday afternoon trip to see the Chronicles of Narnia.

this is the true story...
Check out Real World: Austin's Danny, as he strikes a pose. Wicked awesome!

stolen jackass
Really, it's not what you think.

i promise i won't tell
An interesting blog where you can send your deepest darkest secrets on a postcard to have it posted anonymously for the world to see. The best part? The blog owner has made a book out of these submissions, so he is now profitting off your pain. Capitalism rules.

a picture's worth a thousand words
This was part of a Yahoo! PR campaign about 5 years ago, highlighting the fact that some Yahoo! Messenger emoticons were based on actual employees. I can't find the actual press release anymore, but yes, that's me, smirking my life away.

a time to give thanks...

Seeing as tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I thought it would be a good a time as any to list all the things I'm thankful for...

• TiVo, of course
  
• Rick Dees no longer being on the radio here in L.A.
  
• Tito's Tacos
  
• Getting to see my family more
  
• Trader Joe's fruit leathers (in particular Granny Smith Apple and Strawberry)
  
• 80 degree weather, clear blue skies, bright California sunshine... all at the end of November
  
• The return of college basketball
  
• Being able to read the Sunday L.A. Times again
  
• Swiffers
  
• R. Kelly continuing to expand the Trapped in the Closet saga so I have something to giggle at
  
• IdentityCraft, custom furniture at a discount price
  
• LaDanian Tomlinson, fantasy foorball stud
  
• Whoever started this "just leave your hair messy looking, it's cool" look
  
• My Name is Earl, the funniest new sitcom on television
  
• The swings at Santa Monica beach
  
• People who take Spanish classes while on "vacation"
  
• Zankou's Chicken
  
• NFL Sunday Ticket
  
• Snickers, because they really satisfy you
  
• The White Shadow finally coming out on DVD
  
• The Sports Guy finally shutting the hell up about the damn Patriots
  
• Any day when I get to sleep in
  
• Entertainment Weekly
  
• Cheez-Its (but not Cheese Nips because they're too racist)
  
• Cheeky British sayings
  
• Cranberry Black Cherry flavored Juice Squeeze drinks
  
• And all in all, just being happy and content with life...
  

Ok, your turn!

that's soooo L.A.

As you probably know, I moved back to Los Angeles about 5 months ago, after spending the past 6 years up in the Bay Area. Last week, I saw something that really drove home the fact that I was in L.A. I saw this car sitting outside my office:



The picture doesn't do the car justice. Calling it a total piece of crap would be a compliment. The car is a 70's Volkswagon that was riddled with dents, had a faded paint job, and was rusted straight through to the core in some spots. I'd be surprised if the car actually started without sputtering and dropping an oil slick in its wake.

So why would a beat up VW signify a return to L.A.? Well, it's not so much the car itself... it was what was IN the car:



Ahh yes. It's good to be back!

live from new york...

It's probably tough to recall today, but Saturday Night Live actually used to be funny. No really. It's true. My friends and I would quote the usual suspects -- Hanz and Franz, the Church Lady, Wayne and Garth -- but my favorite quotes came from the lesser-known skits.

To this day, I still find myself throwing out these quotes, even though I know that the likelihood of someone understanding them is slimmer than Lindsay Lohan's waistline. Whenever anyone does recognize these quotes, it puts a smile on my face, like finding another member of a long lost secret club. So in hopes getting a couple more people in this world onto my SNL wavelength, here's some of my favorite obscure quotes from the show:

"Bad idea jeans..."
This is one of the more well-known obscure quotes (is that an oxymoron? probably). Just so you can visualize a "bad idea jeans moment", the last time I used this was when my friend's 3-year-old daughter started running around the edge of a fountain and tried to jump across it. Bad idea jeans indeed.

This quote came from a parody of the jeans commercials that would run in that era. It was a bunch of people saying ridiculous quotes like "Now that I have kids, I feel a lot better having a gun in the house" followed by a graphic that read "BAD IDEA". The final scene involved a group of geeky white guys in jeans challenging a group of very gigantic, very angry looking black dudes to a game of hoops yelling, "Let's bet these guys! A hundred bucks.. make that two hundred! Two hundred bucks!" A classic.

Read a transcript of the BAD IDEA JEANS sketch.

"It was much better than cats, I would see it again and again"
This is far and away my favorite obscure quote. I often use it when asked for my opinion on a movie or TV show, and to date only 3 people have recognized it. For the other 2,343 people who didn't, well... too bad for you.

The premise was that viewers of a brand-new Broadway show were being interviewed as they left the theater, and every single one of them gave the quote above in a very robotic and monotone voice. After about 4 of these "ringing" endorsements, it was revealed that the new Broadway show was a hypnotist. I know, not really that funny, but I like saying the quote anyway.

"They didn't change the recipe like they said they were going to! It's still people!! "
This comes from a parody of the cult movie classic Soylent Green. It had Phil Hartman playing Charlton Heston by mocking Heston's melodramatic over-the-top acting style. I've never actually seen the movie, but here's what I gathered by watching the sketch -- in the future, the world is completely over-populated and people are starving due to lack of food. The government creates a special food called Soylent Green and feeds the masses. The twist? "Soylent Green is made from people... PEOPLE!!!" This sketch was supposed to be a sequel of Soylent Green and it ended with Hartman yelling "Soylent Green is still made out of people! They didn't change the recipe like they said they were going to! It's still people!! " as the *new* movie twist. The only thing that made this sketch memorable was the way Hartman yelled his lines. Ask me to do it one day, you'll see what I mean.

Read a transcript of the SOYLENT GREEN sketch.

"Soapy water? Soapy water was the first thing I tried. Then it was the 7th thing I tried. then it was the 24th thing I tried. Soapy water? Soapy water..."
This comes from a Rob Lowe sketch called "Helmet Head", which involved a guy who came back from the war and somehow got his helmet permanently stuck to his head. The whole plot line is just people trying to pry the helmet loose. When someone suggests he tries soapy water, Lowe looks incredulous and says the quote just before collapsing into a full sob. When would I use this quote in real life? Usually as I'm washing my hands, naturally.

"My name is Schmee. I'm a magic bee!"
This comes from one of the few sketches Chris Rock was allowed to take part in. As a side note, it still shocks me to see what a big star Chris Rock has become today given how minimal his role was in SNL. They totally wasted his talent while he was on that show. Oh well. In any case, Rock played a little boy who had an imaginary friend -- Chris Farley in a bee costume. I remember nothing else about the sketch except Farley prancing around repeating the quote above. It's just fun to say, don't you think?

Got any favorites that I missed? Let me know!

deja vu all over again

Disclaimer: If you care nothing about sports, college football, or UCLA in general, you can skip this entry. It's ok, don't feel guilty. I give you permission.

Ok, is it me, or does this UCLA football season look an awful lot like 1998? Once again we have an undefeated Bruin team coming out of nowhere with a stellar offense capable of putting up 50 a game on any field, home or away. However, the same glaring deficiently haunts this Bruin team as the Cade McNown-led '98 squad -- the defense can't stop anyone.

Just to refresh your memory, in 1998 UCLA reeled off 10 straight victories before having to meet Miami at the end of the season. The Miami game was actually supposed to be played in the beginning of the season but got rescheduled due to a huge hurricane (but you can call it slurricane) hitting Florida. Long story short, Edgerrin James ran all over the Bruin defenders for about 12,000 yards that day and the Bruins lost 49-45 (but as a complete side note, UCLA backup QB Drew Bennett caught a long bomb at about the 3 yard line as the final seconds ticked away to almost win it -- foreshadowing his new career as the Tennessee Titan's #1 WR). The best part of the whole fiasco? UCLA still made it to the Rose Bowl, but gave up 14,000 yards on the ground to Ron Dayne to lose that game too (which by the way I attended in person, a blue blip in a sea of Wisconsin red).

Sadly, UCLA looks no better at stopping the run this season. Even worse, this time around the guys killing us on the ground aren't even Edgerrin James-level talents. Jerome Harrison - 260 yards, Yvenson Bernard - 167 yards, Louis Rankin - 109 yards. I think my mom (who incidentally steals cha cha music... pass it on) could put up triple digits rushing against our D. When Reggie Bush comes into town I'm almost afraid that the NCAA season rushing record will be shattered in just that one game alone.

And yet, despite all the glaring holes, I still think UCLA can pull it off. Call it hope, blind faith, or complete mental delusion. It's ok. So what if we can't stop anyone on D, all we have to do is score 73 on O. I believe in you Bruins (but if this turns out to be 1998 all over again, well let's just forget I wrote this, shall we?).

still more random musings...

Hello friends! It's been much too long since I've last written. I really have no excuse other than sheer and utter laziness. I promise I'll try harder in the future. Well you know, unless I find something better to do.

By the way, you may wonder who that man is in the picture above. I honestly have no idea. But he looks so pensive, I thought he'd be perfect to show how hard I thought about all the random things I wrote below...

• I've mentioned it in an earlier entry, but it bears repeating -- My Name is Earl is still quite hilarious. Watch it. Now.
  
• How I Met Your Mother, on the other hand, continues to suck. Seriously, does anyone like this show? If so, can you please explain to me why? I'm just really curious. Come on, I won't mock you. To your face, anyhow.
  
• I really want to see the movie version of Rent, but I'm torn as to whether it was the right move to include all the folks who originated the roles on Broadway. On one hand, it's really cool that they're allowed to reprise these roles -- at least you know the songs are going to be kick ass, which is key to the enjoyment of the story. On the other hand, they're supposed to be playing 20 year olds, and I think they are all collecting Social Security at this point. I'm really afraid it's going to be like watching Beverly Hills 90210 towards the very end of its run. Not fun.
  
• When did Mariah Carey start rap-singing? You're probably reading this and saying, "what the hell are you talking about," but go back and listen to her new stuff like Shake It Off and We Belong Together. See! I like it, I guess, but it makes me think Mariah somehow got abducted like that Elizabeth Smart kid and brainwashed into thinking she was a long lost member of Bone Thugs N' Harmony.
  
• The 40 Year Old Virgin is one of the funniest movies I've seen in a long time. Yes, I know I'm about 30 years late on this one, but if you haven't seen it yet, see it. If only for Boner Jams '03. I hear The Wedding Crashers is even funnier, true?
  
• Can you believe my UCLA Bruins are still undefeated? Yeah, me neither, but keep it up boys! All I want is the complete and utter destruction of USC when the two meet on December 3rd. Is that too much to ask? I think not.
  
• Is it just me, or is Jerry O' Connell one of the most annoying actors in Hollywood? I'm not bothered by his acting, per se, but I really quite hate him when he's just being "himself" in interviews and such. He's so over the top with his antics I just want to strap him into his chair and pound some Ritalin down his throat. There are times when he makes Tom Cruise look sedate. And yet somehow he is engaged to Rebecca Romijn. Go figure.
  
• Did you know we are now into the greek alphabet for naming tropical storms and hurricanes? We literally ran out of letters, so after Wilma we'd have Hurricane Alpha if it goes from a tropical storm to a full fledged hurricane. Um... yes, I am a nerd.
  
• I was watching Boomerang today on my TiVo, and it made me realize that there was a time in history when Eddie Murphy was thought of as a sex symbol. Then I thought back a bit further and remembered when he was one of the funniest, edgiest comics alive. Now he just makes Disney movies where he's some sort of absent-minded nutty professor. Again, life is not kind.
  
• My mom made me show her how to use the CD burner so she could copy a cha cha CD. I really have no joke here other than the fact that my mom steals cha cha music.
  
• Halloween is coming up and I have no ideas for a costume. Please help me. Pretty please?
  

it's fall, and that means the tivo is working overtime

The new television season has begun, people! It's like Christmas for me, as you've probably guessed from reading my previous blog entries. Some shows premiered last week, but the bulk of new shows hits the airwaves this week.

Best new comedy of the fall season? I haven't seen 'em all yet, but I'm already declaring a winner with My Name is Earl on NBC. I thought the show was too overhyped and thus would fail to live up to expectations, but I really enjoyed it. Very quirky humor, so don't go into it expecting a standard sitcom. I'd put it on par with something like Scrubs, only with trailer trash hillbillies instead of doctors. The premise -- a life-long thief gets hit by a car just as he scratches off a lottery ticket worth $100,000. The thief gets sent to the hospital, and the lottery ticket gets sent flying out of his hands. While in the hospital, Earl comes to the realization that his life is terrible because of all the bad things he'd done in the past, and in order to have a better life, he'd need to start doing good things for other people. This concept of karma is fed by Carson Daly (via a random episode of his late night talk show), and Earl sets out to right all the wrongs he'd ever committed, one wrong at a time. Pretty cool concept, right? Add to that the awesome 80's porn moustache on our do-gooder hero, and this show has Emmy written all over it.

Biggest disappointment in the comedy category thus far? How I Met Your Mother on CBS. As much as My Name is Earl defies the standard sitcom format, How I Met Your Mother embraces it. But it's not a sweet embrace, it's more like a Britney and Kevin Federline-type embrace. Just embarrassing and something you'd rather forget. It's not that this is the worst show on television, it's just that I expected this show to be good, and it was oh so mediocre. Wooden acting, cliche punchlines, terrible dialogue and no genuinely funny moments. I'm going to give this show one more chance, but only because Doogie Howser is a cast member. If there's one thing I've learned, you always give Doogie the benefit of the doubt. Which gives me an idea... instead of setting up the show with a man telling his children the story of how he met their mother (which is certain to get tiresome after episode 3 or so), they should just have Doogie's character type on a computer at the end of the show to recap the night's events, pause for a second in a moment of reflection, and then type one final witty line to close it out. It's a recipe for success.

My favorite returning drama? It hasn't even aired yet, but I know it's going to be an amazing Season 2. It's the show about our favorite survivors of a horrific plane crash onto some sort of mysterious island -- something I like to call Lost. Damn, I love that show. So many mysteries to be answered, like what's in the hatch? And where did the "others" take Walt? And will Sawyer, Michael and Jin make it back safely to the island? Oh Lost, we've had our share of ups and downs, and through it all, I know our bond has grown stronger. I look fondly upon the times we've spent together in the past, but even more than that, I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us. Oh my goodness, I'm shaking... I... well I'll just say it. Lost... will you marry me?

My least favorite returning drama? The O.C. It's dangerously close to being removed from my TiVo season pass. I know, I know, I was shocked at the thought too. But the last episode was the absolute worst I've seen by far, and since all of season 2 was no gem, this is really not a good sign. They should rename the show, Chino, because the best word to describe it now is "ewwww". Here's a tip for the writers... STOP MAKING THE SHOW INTO FALCON CREST! I don't give a rat's ass about Seth's dad and mom and the evil lady trying to make Seth's mom a drunkard. Who cares? Why even explore this? Just be a way too witty, snarky teen dramedy again, and we can all be friends. Sound good? Good. I'll be waiting. Waiting on UPN, where I'll be catching the Chris Rock comedy, Everybody Hates Chris instead.

Curious about ALL of the new fall shows out there? Yes, I know you are, and Salon.com has a pretty good breakdown of what to watch and what not to watch, so check it out.

time for a "reunion"

Melodramatic? Yeah. Over the top acting? Sure. Somewhat chessy dialogue? Affirmative. Added to my TiVo season pass? Definitely. What the heck am I talking about? The new Fox show, Reunion, that's what.

A quick synopsis for those of you who haven't heard of this show -- take a group of 6 friends, one of whom has been tragically murdered, and rewind their lives 20 years to figure out what happened. The catch? Each episode of the show is one year in the lives of these friends, so the show starts in 1986 and takes you all the way to the present day by season's end. That's a pretty clever premise, don't you think? Sure, but here's the six real reasons why you should watch Reunion:

1) It out O.C.'s The O.C.! - The O.C. started out as way too smart and witty teen dramedy in season one, and devolved into a lame, cliche night-time soap by season two. Reunion is a solid night-time soap, plain and simple. It's not jokey or witty, but that's not the point. Night-time soaps are supposed to be equal parts drama and cheese. That's the fun of 'em, and damn it, Reunion delivers.

2) Love triangles galore! - Nothing makes for a successful night-time soap like a love triangle. Hold on to your seats, my friends, because Reunion has two, count 'em TWO love triangles. Nerdy Aaron has always loved free spirit Jenna from afar, but lovely Jenna never gave him the time of day. But right when equally nerdy Carla is ready to confess her undying love to Aaron, she finds Jenna giving into Aaron's advances. Gadzooks! As if that wasn't enough, enter spoiled rich kid Craig, who adores his long-time girlfriend Samantha. Problem is, his life-long best friend Will, the son of his gardener, is also in love with her. Even worse, while Craig and Sam were on a break, Will and Sam hooked up, leading to Sam getting pregnant with Will's baby. Zoinks! Does this have something to do with the mysterious murder? Hmmmm...

3) The token Fox Network "hot chick" is on the show! - Amanda Righetti, who played Hailey the hot wayward sister of uber mom Kristin on Fox's The O.C. AND Tessa, some sort of hot character no one remembers on the little seen Fox show North Shore returns to Fox yet again for series number three. Here's hoping the third time really is the charm.

4) Craig is played by a really, really bad actor... and that's good! - Sean Farris is either playing Criag as a wooden robot devoid of any personality and emotion OR he is a terrible actor devoid of the ability to inject a character with any personality or emotion. You know what? I'm really hoping it's the latter, because every worthy night-time soap has it's Ian Ziering or Andrew Shue, and we may have struck gold with Sean Farris.

5) 80's references galore in the first episode! - Look, anytime you can shove florescent colored polos, "Time After Time," "Take On Me," Risky Business quotes, big ass gold watches, and Andrew Ridgeley diatribes into a single pilot episode, it's going to be a winner. Simple as that.

6) There's a hottie who for some reason everyone thinks is mousey and plain! - Nerdy Carla is obviously hot to any viewer with eyes, yet she is cast as the mousey loser. Why? So we can see the ugly duckling turn into a swan. Viewers like that for some reason. Don't believe me? Remember Joey from Dawson's Creek? Or how about the all-time #1 mousey hottie, Halle Berry in Boomerang? I mean seriously, it's Halle Frickin' Berry, and she's supposed to be an ugly loser? Completely stupid and unbelievable, and yet you were rooting for her in the end, weren't you? I rest my case.

So there you go. Probably the worst sell job EVER, but it really is a fun show. Reunion gets 3.5 Salingers on the Salinger scale, where a Party of Five is the highest rating. Check it out -- episode two gets pre-empted by President Bush (yawn) this week, so you can catch it on Sept. 22nd, and every Thursday night at 9pm afterwards.

man, there goes $250 bucks

Apple just introduced the new iPod Nano, which is so tiny, it makes the iPod Mini look like Kirstie Alley by comparison. The new iPod is thinner than a pencil, less wide than a credit card, and has a full color screen capable of displaying pictures. For $199, you can get a 2 GB Nano, but for only $50 bucks more, you can upgrade to a 4 GB device. Not bad, considering the Liliputian proportions.

Damn. I'm sold. I already have an iPod, but I feel compelled to shell out even more cash for the latest in tiny electronic gadgetry. Oh well, such is the price of progress. Although I know I will feel sheepish next year when they introduce the iPod Atom, the first iPod that can fit inside your left nostril.

and the winner is... anyone who didn't watch this show

"I walk alone,
I walk alone..."
-- Green Day

And with those lyrics, the 2005 MTV Video Music Awards began. I didn't realize it at the time, but Green Day was on the money, walking alone as one of the few entertaining act in the whole show.

Hosted by Diddy -- who changed his name from P. Diddy a couple weeks ago, because he "felt like the 'P' was getting between [him] and [his] fans" -- the show was exactly what we've come to expect from the artist formerly known as Puff Daddy. That is to say over the top, ego-driven, and above all else, cheesier than Chester Cheetah. His opening monologue consisted of Diddy trying to rap and do some awkward herky-jerky dancing while Cirque Du Soliel dancers spun in the air, scantily clad women clapped their hands, guys dressed in white danced around him, and laser lights shot in the air. This might have stood a slight chance of being cool if only Diddy didn't do the EXACT SAME THING in past VMA shows. I'm not even kidding, go back and watch the tapes. A mirror image, right down to the Cirque Du Soliel dancers.

The show didn't get much better from there. The most telling indicator of a bad awards show -- I can't name even one of the award winners from the night. But as with any MTV awards show, who really cares? The VMAs are just an excuse to get celebrities together to party like it's 1999. MTV producers knew this, as they paired up presenters to see and be seen, forsaking any rhyme or reason. Ludacris and Lindsay Lohan! Jessica Alba and Dwyane Wade! Common and Johnny Knoxville! Jeremy Piven and Lil' Kim! The prompter reading was so hollow and awkward, I thought I was watching a State of the Union address by our dear President.

Cutaways to the crowd didn't help matters, as celebrities from Jay-Z to Beyonce to Alicia Keys looked so bored I thought My Left Foot was playing in the background. The only hope to salvage the show at this point was the musical acts, and unfortunately they didn't deliver. There were a couple of decent acts -- 50 Cent and Kanye West come to mind (although Jamie Foxx, stick to acting, will ya? And not that Stealth crap either...) -- but the bulk of the musical acts were lackluster.

Ludacris performed a faithful rendition of "Pimpin' All Over the World," but the fact remained that he was singing a song called "Pimpin' All Over the World." The Killers and Mariah Carey were next up, but they weren't even allowed to perform in the building. They had to do their thing outdoors at some nearby hotel, for what reason, I don't know. The Miami heat (the temperature, not the basketball team) was in full effect, as The Killers lead singer, Brandon Flowers, was dripping with sweat 27 seconds into "Mr. Brightside." Even worse, Mariah Carey's hair lost a battle with the Florida humidity, with her curly locks looking more strung out than Whitney Houston.

Diddy took the time to stomp all over the legacy of the Notorious B.I.G. yet again, using old footage of Biggie to try to tug at our heart strings. Wasn't the whole orchestra performance with Sting at the VMA's a few years ago enough? Can't you let poor Biggie rest in peace? It doesn't come off so much as a tribute, but rather a sad attempt by Diddy to pat himself on the back for being such a thoughtful dude for resurrecting his dead friend's memory at even a scant taste of the spotlight. A perfect example of P coming between him and his fans. I have no idea what that means, I just wanted to dredge up that quote again.

Fat Joe followed this display by introducing a patchwork quilt of reggaeton performances. I'm a fan of reggaeton music (which is basically Latin music mixed with hip hop and reggae), but one of the performances (by Don Omar... yeah, I know you've never heard of him) was so off-key it made me miss Roseanne Barr's rendition of the "Star Spangled Banner." Fat Joe finished up this celebration of the rich latin heritage of Miami in the most appropriate way possible -- by mocking 50 Cent and his G-Unit posse, causing the crowd to start yelling profanity at him. Muy bien, mi amigo. Muy bien.

Just when you didn't think the show could get any weirder, R. Kelly made his way on the stage to act out a new chapter in his 5-part "Trapped in the Closet" saga. For those of you who don't know what this is, it's basically a 20 minute hip-hop opera about R. Kelly cheating on his wife with a woman who is married to a pastor who happens to have a gay lover who introduced R. Kelly's own wife to a policeman who she ends up cheating with herself. Yeah, I'm glad I could clear that up for you. In any case, R. Kelly acts out a brand-new, never before seen chapter in which he plays the pastor, the pastor's wife, and the pastor's gay lover. R. Kelly wraps up the chapter by singing about the pastor kissing his gay lover, which caused R. Kelly to crack himself up at the thought. In a big twist, the pastor character suddenly becomes un-gay and goes back to his wife. Um... homophobia doesn't quite work with a dude who's singing a friggin' HIP-HOP OPERA. R. Kelly is the only person who can make Diddy's over the top antics look pedestrian by comparison.

The night was capped off by Kelly Clarkson performing "Since You Were Gone" while getting drenched with water. I was a little bummed out because this whole spectacle made me think of the Shakira performance earlier in the show. Oh, not because Shakira was particularly good or anything, but if I had to see someone from this show being drenched with water, she'd have to be atop that list. In the end, poor Kelly didn't quite pull of the dousing with poise. The stage got so slippery, she literally fell off. Oops.

And that was that. The 2005 MTV Video Music Awards ends not with a bang or a whimper, but with a wet American Idol falling on her ass. Kind of appropriate, don't you think?

random musings...

Some more thoughts that have been running around in my head...

• I forgot how insanely hot it gets down here in SoCal versus the Bay Area. It's been a sustained 90 to 100+ degrees for 4 weeks straight out where I am. Amazing. That's why I haven't been blogging as much. My keyboard melted last Tuesday.
  
• For those of you who watch the Real World: Austin, man, those past two episodes were heavy. The biggest revelation to me -- the way Melinda has supported Danny through everything. She's just the sweetest person on the planet. Well, you know, for a ho.
  
• I also find myself watching Laguna Beach. Is it me, or do ALL of those girls look exactly the same? When did Laguna Beach turn into Stepford Beach?
  
• Have you noticed that when a person without a beard grows one, you can still tell who they are, but if someone you know with a beard shaves one off, they look like a totally different person? Like if Brad Pitt grew a beard, you'd say, "oh look, Brad Pitt grew a beard. Neat." But if Steven Spielberg shaved his beard, he could probably walk right past you and you'd never know it. Am I the only one who's thought about this? Yeah, probably.
  
• Ted Danson and Kirstie Alley were once sex symbols back in the Cheers days. Just think about that. One day your beloved Jessica Simpson and Josh Duhamel will join them. Life is so cruel.
  
• I am loving to hate Big Brother. Yes I told you not to watch it. I wish I could heed my own advice. It's so terrible, but for some reason it draws me in. Please tell me this is just a by-product of lack of Summer viewing options. Otherwise, I think I need some professional help.
  
• I went to see my Dodgers play live yesterday so I could witness their futility firsthand. They didn't disappoint, blowing a 2-1 lead by giving up five runs in the 8th inning and 2 more in the 9th. Thank god football season is here so I can watch my 49ers instead. Crap. I'm screwed.
  
• Kevin and Bean on KROQ. Hands down the best morning show in the business. I can't stand radio morning shows in general, but these guys actually make me look forward to my morning commute. Those of you outside the L.A. area, let me paraphrase your thoughts at the moment -- "Um... who cares."
  
• I can't say that I'm a fan of The Killers, but I really dig that song Mr. Brightside. I think it's about adultery. Then again, the song could be about skinning cats, and so long as the melody was pleasing, I'd go with it.
  
• My favorite website of the moment? The official website for the Reno-Tahoe International Airport. Why? Just look how happy the guy is on the home page. He doesn't even need a plane, you can tell he's on such a high (natural or otherwise).
  
• I just bought a new house! Wow, I'm all grown up now. Strangely, I don't know whether this realization makes me ecstatic or completely depressed.
  
• Iced tea is yummy.
  

reality bites

As you probably guessed by now, I'm a reality TV junkie. You slap that label on something, I'll probably watch it at least once, if not 20 times. A little nuts? Maybe. But let my disease be your guide to the mostly less than wonderful world of reality TV. Here's a quick rundown on what's worth watching and what you can skip in order to catch up on your reading. Ha ha, just kidding. I know no one actually reads books.

TiVo It

The Real World: Austin - After a season in Philadelphia that had the RW franchise on the ropes, the latest installment comes back strong, like Rocky Balboa on Ivan Drago. In the first episode alone we got a girl-on-girl hot tub kiss, a roomie who gets Ruthie-level drunk and starts a fight with another one of her roommates which indirectly leads to still another roommate getting his eye socket broken, a hottie roommate who insists on constantly walking around in her underwear, the reincarnation of Abe from Road Rules, and oh, remember the broken eye socket -- a remnant of a sucker punch from an anonymous stranger who apparently hates Real Worlders. This is all in the FIRST episode! After this brilliant hour of television, I was ready to put Austin in the Real World Hall of Fame, next to Las Vegas and Hawaii. Sadly, the excitement has gone down a bit since that inaugural viewing. But still, the grandaddy of reality TV is back, and for that reason alone is TiVo-worthy.

Being Bobby Brown - Look we all knew Bobby was a freak. After he recorded "Ain't Nobody Humpin' Around," the mystery was pretty much gone. The true star of this series is Mrs. Bobby Brown, aka Whitney Houston. I hate to compare her behavior to that of a crack whore, but that's only because it may be a slap in the face to all the drug addicted prostitutes out there. Like rubbernecking to watch a car accident on the side of the freeway, or a showing of Glitter on VH1, Being Bobby Brown has to be seen to be believed. Add the fact that Bobby actually has to be subtitled even though he's speaking English, and this has Season Pass written all over it.

30 Days - From Morgan Spurlock, the creator of the Academy Award nominated, Super Size Me, comes this weekly show on FX. The basic premise -- place someone in a situation completely out of their element for 30 days in order to see how they deal with it. Not only does the subject of each social experiment learn something, but the viewer does as well. Episodes featuring Spurlock and his fiancee living on minimum wage, a Christian man forced to live as a Muslim, and a man who takes steroids for 30 days to see if it would make him feel younger, really held my attention. Others, such as watching a mom binge drink to teach her college aged daughter a lesson, came out as flat as Scottie Pippen's nose. Despite this shortcoming, 30 Days is more hit than miss, and is truly one of the few reality shows that strives to push reality TV beyond mindless entertainment. For this reason it lands on my TiVo playlist.

Well, Still Better Than Reading Books

Hell's Kitchen - Take one part world-famous chef, a handful of chef wanna-be's, and a dash of insanity, and what do you have? No, not a cheese omelette. Fox's Hell's Kitchen. I honestly thought it was so over the top that I stopped watching after the first couple episodes, thinking that no one would ever subject themselves to such abuse from a master chef in order to be one themselves. However, after talking to a friend who has a brother who dealt with the same type of lunacy on his road to being an executive chef, I guess the premise isn't so far fetched afterall. The season is nearly done, but you still have a chance to catch some poor sap get a tongue lashing. And a cheeky British tongue lashing at that.

Rockstar: INXS - INXS lost lead singer Michael Hutchence to an apparent suicide back in 1997. Now that 8 years have passed, the best way to honor their former lead singer seems to be by holding a rock version of American Idol to find his replacement. Not bad, but very repetitive. I can't see enjoying this beyond a couple episodes. Plus all the contestants are in their 20's, while the band itself is on the cusp of Social Security. By the time they go on the road with the winner, 5/6ths of the new band will be able to withdraw cash from their Roth IRA with no tax penalty whatsoever. In the end, I don't know why they're bothering with this whole song and dance. Just grab Bo Bice and be done with it.

Avoid Like Corey Feldman's Career

Average Joe: The Joes Strike Back - Take a slightly above average looking girl and surround her with less than average looking guys. Sound familiar? Yeah, because they've tried this premise twice already. The new slant? Rejected dweebs get to come back after an extreme makeover to try and win the love of previously mentioned slightly above average looking girl. Not different enough to distinguish itself from the previous two installments, and let's face it, those two seasons both sucked anyway. Stay away.

Big Brother 6 - The latest Big Brother puts a bunch of strangers into a house that they cannot leave for about 2 months. The twist -- everyone secretly knows someone else in the house... ooooh! Except honestly, unless you're an idiot, couldn't you figure out that hey, if I have a secret pal in this house, everyone else probably does too? Apparently they can't. None of them. And they all spend their days "staying true" while "playing the game" whatever those statements mean. I'm not a fan. But then again, I'll probably watch this anyway if only to avoid Dan Brown and his literary cohorts.

ten questions with someone who might look vaguely familiar to you...

Today, I would like to introduce you to someone who might look vaguely familiar to you. His name is Cecil Mamiit. Cecil is a professional tennis player. Cecil captured the NCAA singles title in 1996, becoming the first freshman to win since John McEnroe in 1978. Cecil once had a commercial for K-Swiss which aired every 27 seconds on ESPN.

Cecil took the time to graciously answer ten questions for me over IM. Let's get to know Cecil, shall we?

warren: When did you first realize that you were good enough at tennis that you could do it for a living?
cecil: my senior year of high school playing as an amateur before going to college
cecil: beating college players
warren: If you could have the game of Lleyton Hewitt, or date Jennifer Love Hewitt, which would you choose?
cecil: game of hewitt
warren: If you and Serena Williams played Scrabble, who would win?
cecil: i would
warren: How would you describe your game?
cecil: aggressive baseliner
warren: What do you consider your biggest tennis victory?
cecil: beating chang at the sybase
warren: You're in a dark, dark room, all alone.
warren: If I gave you a flashlight, what shadow animals could you make for me?
cecil: bird
warren: Any others?
cecil: dog
warren: Who was your favorite tennis player growing up and why?
cecil: boris becker
cecil: and chang
warren: Why?
cecil: becker's aggressive play.. risking and taking chances
cecil: chang for his consistency
cecil: and speed
cecil: and he's asian
warren: And of course, because he's celibate.
warren: If Andy Roddick needed a kidney and you were a perfect match and would make a great donor, would you give him yours?
cecil: nope
warren: You ass.
cecil: hahaha
cecil: i'm just messing
warren: What is your favorite Grand Slam event to play?
cecil: aussie to play
warren: Why? All the marsupials?
cecil: laid back.. fans have fun and get into it
cecil: tournament is run well
cecil: treat players well
warren: Oh, I guess that's good too.
warren: And finally...
warren: MC Hammer once said, "U Can't Touch This."
warren: What exactly was he referring to?
cecil: his dance moves
warren: No, i'm sorry. His penis. He was talking about his penis.
cecil: no he was talking about his dance moves
warren: I stand corrected.

Thanks to Cecil Mamiit. Cheer him on at a tennis tournament near you.

another random IM exchange

Few times has a show as truly horrible as Dancing with the Stars captured the imagination of television watchers everywhere. Or at least the imaginations of BK and I. Witness the following exchange of two fools who actually ended up watching a show about dancing:

bk: then again, peterman had that intense stare thing going on
warren: that creeps me out
warren: he looks deranged
bk: the worst was when they announced the scores and got her reaction shot, and you could see peterman in the background
warren: was he sobbing?
warren: but yet still staring intensely?
bk: no, he just looked crushed
bk: he knew that the fix was in
bk: it's like realizing that you were just a pawn in a huge sick game
warren: my god, i did all this dancing for nothing
warren: DAMN YOU GRACEFUL FEET FOR LEADING ME INTO THIS SHAM!!!
bk: he thought the merengue was his Ace in the Hole
bk: he was wrong
bk: dead wrong
warren: little did he know aces are only considered low cards on dancing with the stars
bk: ohhhh snap
warren: he should have read the fine print
warren: you gotta read, bitch!
warren: don't just be pocketing aces willy nilly
bk: at least he now knows that suaveness doesn't get you everything
bk: and, well, he's now got industry cred with 2nd Place (as opposed to 1st)
warren: he's the bo bice of ballroom dance
bk: damn straight
bk: poor bastard

more random thoughts

Just thought I'd dump a few of the random thoughts that have running around in my head recently onto this blog. These thoughts are so random, I thought it was only fitting to pair them with the most random picture I could find on Yahoo! Image Search. Enjoy...

• You know that rumor that's been making the rounds for the past 10 years about Tom Cruise? That he's gay and all of his relationships are just a sham to cover up this fact in order to save his career? Honestly, at this point, wouldn't the world rather he be gay than utterly insane? I mean if this is a ploy to save his career, it's just a gross miscalculation, don't you think?
  
• How the hell did Irene Cara beat out Wang Chung in last week's Hit Me Baby One More Time? Cara's cover of Anastasia (who? yeah, exactly) included "backup singers" who tried to upstage her every chance they got. The song barely featured Cara at all, as faux-Whitney and faux-Mariah stomped all over Cara's weak vocals. On the flip side, Wang Chung busted out Nelly's "Hot in Here" as their cover song. I mean, Wang Chung and Nelly? It sounds like chocolate and fish guts on paper, but it worked like chocolate and peanut butter in practice. I had to rewind it and watch it again -- it was that entertaining. When Wang (or was it Chung? I always get the two confused) exclaimed, "girl, I think my butt get big!" I thought it was a guarenteed victory. Boy was I wrong.
  
• I have yet to see Star Wars Episode III, which leads me to believe that I likely will never see this movie. And yet somehow, I couldn't care less.
  
• I miss Lost.
  
• I don't miss Will and Grace.
  
• That new Coldplay song, "Speed of Sound" sounds great. But then again, I liked it the first time I heard it a few years ago, you know, when it was called "Clocks."
  
• Despite the fact that the NBA Finals are going to a 7th and decisive game, don't you think ABC is wishing it could just show Dancing with the Stars like 3 times a week instead? The ratings for three showings of this would just destroy anything in its path. Game 7 would be lucky to dethrone Two and a Half Men reruns at this point.
  
• Am I the only person in America who really doesn't care when the latest Harry Potter book is coming out? Yeah, I thought so.
  
• I have yet to see it, but I hear the latest installment of the Real World is TiVo season pass material. Early reviews evoke RW Las Vegas level watchability. I won't lie to you. I'm excited. These kids sound so nuts, I have faith that they'll take any future Real World/Road Rules Challenges up a couple notches too. Sweet.
  
• I'm not really on board with this Iron Chef America show. It's just not Iron Chef without the dubbed giggling of Japanese actresses, you know?
  
• Bobby Flay sucks.
  

tv review: hit me baby one more time

Hit Me Baby One More Time is another summer season show which brings five one-hit wonder bands together for, well... the chance to humiliate themselves one last time in front of a live audience. Just a sampling of amazing talent that has been gathered thus far -- Vanilla Ice, Tiffany, Loverboy, Arrested Development, Flock of Seagulls, and Haddaway. It's like watching an Emmy Awards telecast that for some reason could only celebrate achievements from the television show, Small Wonder (and best actress pretending to be a robot goes to... surprise, surprise, that little girl who plays Vicki the robot!) -- not entirely satisfying, but yet mesmerizing in a weird way.

Each performer gets to hop on stage twice per show -- once to sing the song they were most famous for, the second time to cover a song that's currently tearing up the charts. The first performance is definitely the lesser of the two. It's a bit sad seeing all of the artists strain to try and sing the songs they recorded 15-20 years ago. Many did not fare well, as time has done a Boston Rob from Survivor on their vocal chords, and betrayed them at every turn.

The second song is where it gets interesting. Some, like Haddaway, try to do a faithful rendition of a current song (in this case, Britney's "Toxic") and fail so miserably that it's a distinct pleasure to watch. Others, like Arrested Development, take a song and reinvent it to fit their group's style. AD's version of "Heaven" actually comes out better than the original, which makes you wonder, what the hell happened to our love for them? Did we just decide after "Mr. Wendell" played for the 1,232 time that we'd turn our backs on these folks? Weird.

The one performance that confused me the most was Vanilla Ice covering Destiny's Child's "Survivor." The performance itself was pretty straightforward, but the lax rules around what qualifies as a cover disappointed me. The only word that the two songs had in common was "survivor." That's it. The beat? Totally different. The chorus? Not even close. The verses? Please. Call me old fashioned, but when you cover a song, it's gotta share at least a faint resemblance to the song. I'm not asking for a Mary Kate and Ashley type resemblance, but at least give me Alec and Steven Baldwin. Is that too much to ask?

In any case, Hit Me Baby One More Time is definitely a trip down memory lane. An exciting and amazing trip? Well, no. But there's some solid moments. Enough to allow me to reserve a party of two and a half for HMBOMT. 2.5 Salingers on the Salinger scale, where a Party of Five is the highest rating. There's been two episode aired on NBC so far, and the third one tonight is supposedly the last one of the summer. Don't worry, however, you can still catch reruns of any of these shows on NBC's cable station, Bravo. Word to your mutha (as Vanilla would say).

diary of a madman

Dear Diary,

Today I went on Oprah, and I ROCKED IT!!! I mean seriously, is there a cooler guy on the planet than me right now? I bet you every girl in the audience was staring at me and thinking, damn, I want a piece of that! And rightfully so. It was like 1983 all over again. I might as well have slid out on stage in my tighty whiteys to a little Bob Seger. It was that kind of day, man. And did you see Oprah's face? I mean she was like "YOU GO GIRL!" Not that I'm a chick or anything. I'm far from it. I'm the muthaf'in MAN! That what Katie tells me too. She's always like, I used to have your poster up in my bedroom and now we're like doing it up in my bedroom. She's really eloquent like that. And you know what? I think I can get her to join me in the world of scientology. I think it would f'in ROCK if we like shared that together, you know? I think we're close, I can feel it. If L. Ron Hubbard was here, he'd be like, dude, good f'in job. Ah, it's good to be me.

Tom

more proof that i know absolutely nothing

The latest Nielsen ratings are in, and Dancing with the Stars pulled in huge summer numbers, the only original summer program to crack the Top Ten:

1. CSI, CBS, 14.2 million viewers
2. Dancing with the Stars, ABC, 13.5 million viewers
3. CSI: Miami, CBS, 13.1 million viewers
4. Without a Trace, CBS, 12.6 million viewers
5. Two and a Half Men, CBS, 12.1 million viewers
6. Everybody Loves Raymond, CBS, 11.2 million viewers
7. 48 Hours Mystery, CBS, 10.7 million viewers
8. NCIS, CBS, 10.4 million viewers
9. 60 Minutes, CBS, 10.3 million viewers
10. Law & Order: Criminal Intent, NBC, 10 million viewers

Perhaps my mom was right afterall. A new blog entry coming soon...

summer viewing...

Ah, feel the warmth of the air. The hot afternoon sun burns long into the evening, as the ice cubes in your lemonade clink sharply against the cool glass tumbler in your hand. All of this can only mean one thing -- the summer television season has decended upon us.

Yes, now that Lost, Desperate Housewives, Scrubs, and The O.C. have entered summer hiatus, a whole slate of new shows have jumped in to take their place. Two in particular debuted on Wednesday night -- Dancing with the Stars and Beauty and the Geek. Of course, it is my duty to watch them both, not for my own enjoyment, but for yours. Yes, I know. It's very noble of me.

Dancing with the Stars combines elements of American Idol, Dirty Dancing, and The Surreal Life to create a reality stew of sorts. The basic premise -- teach a group of "stars" a series of dances over a period of just a few weeks, have them face off against each other in a dance showdown, and have these dances judged by a panel of three "experts" who rate their moves and stage presence, ala Simon Cowell and friends.

The "stars" that the show's title refers to? Julia Roberts? Tom Cruise? Will Smith? Um, no. Try former model Rachel Hunter, the dude who played J. Peterman on Seinfeld, one of the New Kids on the Block, and some chick from General Hospital. I think the show should have been called Dancing with Some Dudes and Chicks You May Have Seen on TV Once or Twice Before, So Maybe One or Two of Them Will Look Vaguely Familiar to You. Ok, so that title is a bit long, but at least it's accurate. The current title is blatant false advertising. It's worse than those "buy real estate with no money down and make millions doing it" infomercials.

The first time I saw promos for this show, I started thinking to myself "Who the hell is this show targetted at? This is the dumbest premise I've ever heard of." Of course, before I could even finish that thought, my mom exclaimed, "Oh good! This show looks like fun, when is it on?" That's when it hit me. My mom is insane. But then I thought a bit more about it and realized that According to Jim and Two and a Half Men are two of the highest rated shows on TV. That makes no logical sense either, but yet it's true. So perhaps my mom is just in that demographic of folks that just crave good ol' fashioned brainless entertainment. If that's the case, more power to Dancing with the Stars, I suppose. My only hope is that they spice it up in episode two by having Joey McIntyre trash talk everyone, prompting J. Peterman to scream, "no one puts Evander Holyfield in the corner," as he lifts Evander high in the air while "I Had the Time of My Life" plays in the background.

The other new summer show is Beauty and the Geek on the WB -- Ashton Kucher's "social experiment" television show. The show pairs 7 geeks (many are full fledged Mensa members) with 7 beauties (mostly blonde ditzes with bubbly personalities) into Can't Buy Me Love-style 2 person teams. The goal of each team, have the "geek" teach the "beauty" about history, spelling, math, and all things intellectual, while they in turn learn how to be cool. The team that makes the greatest change wins $250,000 each.

I expected to hate this show to be honest, I mean it IS an Ashton Kucher production, but it's actually pretty entertaining. Of course, no show like this would be complete without your usual contrived characters -- the 30 year old virgin, the uber-nerd, the ultimate blonde ditz -- but just like Can't Buy Me Love, some of the beauties actually start falling for the geeks that they originally mocked. The geeks and beauties alike start pulling for their teammates to succeed, rather than playing only for the sake of winning the money. It's heart warming in a "Coral hating the Miz and calling him a racist but then making the complete 180 by the end of the show to become his best friend in the next 400 Real World/Road Rules Challenges" kind of way. I'll keep an eye on this show throughout the summer to see if it lives up to the premise, but I would say it's worth watching if you're a reality show junkie like I am.

Overall scores on the Salinger Scale, where a Party of Five is the highest rating -- Dancing with the Stars gets 1 Salinger (and not even a good one like Bailey, I'd only give it a Claudia) for anyone in my general peer group. If you're my mom's age, or perhaps a real big fan of cheesy dancing, it would probably land about 2.5 Salingers. As for Beauty and the Geek, I'd say Charlie, Bailey, Julia, and half an Owen would be invited to the table. A Party of Three and a Half (3.5 Salingers) for all my nerds and hotties. Holla.

so long, farewell, auf weidersehen adieu

Well, I am back in the land of sunshine, palm trees, screenwriters, and surfer gals. Yes, after 6 years, I've left the Bay Area to return to where I was born and raised, Los Angeles. Was it an easy decision to leave? Definitely not. I mean, sure there's a few things about the Bay Area I won't miss. Namely...

1. Toll bridges - They suck. Why should I pay money to cross a couple hundred feet of metal? Isn't that where my tax dollars went in the first place, to pay for the cost of these bridges? And we're not talking about a dollar or two, we're talking three bucks for nearly every bridge, no matter how long or short the span. For instance, the Benecia Bridge, which is about as long as Emmanuel Lewis, costs the same as the Yao Ming of bridges, the San Mateo bridge. That makes about as much sense as the last episode of the X-Files. The one exception to the three dollar rule? Well, that would be the Golden Gate Bridge, which costs a ridiculous five bucks to cross. FIVE bucks!


2. Robin Williams - He's just so over the top, his acting is painful to watch. Why is he on this list? Well, he lives in San Francisco, so that's an additional strike right there.


3. Inconsistent drivers - In the Bay Area, you never know if the driver next to you is going to be nice or evil. At least in LA you know they're all evil, so you know what to expect and you react accordingly. SF driving is a crap shoot, and that makes life on the road all the more infuriating.

But overall, though my heart belongs in Los Angeles, there are some things about the Bay Area I'm going to forever remember and miss. For instance:

1. San Francisco is a real, actual city - Unlike Los Angeles, there's one centralized place where people both live AND work. Where I grew up, the concept of people living downtown and commuting into work via public transportation was about as foreign as Jet Li in a hog calling competition. So while I was in SF, I really enjoyed the fact that when I met up with friends from all over the Bay Area, there was no question about where we were going. Everyone was going to meet up in the city. It was akin to saying "wow, the Clippers aren't very good this season" -- it was just a given fact, so why fight it? In LA, everyone lives all over the damn place, so finding somewhere to meet up is always a chore.


2. The artist formerly known as Pac Bell Park - A slight tangent -- I once knew a guy in college named Louis who got in touch with his roots during junior year and from that point on, insisted on being addressed only as Luis. You know what, Louis? Too damn bad. Hey, I'm happy that you are now in tune with your cultural background, but I will never call you by your "new" name. You had me at Louis, my friend. You lost me at Luis. Similarly, I don't want any of this SBC Park nonsense. It's Pac Bell Park. Period. And it is THE most fantastic ballpark I have ever been to. Don't get me wrong, I hate the Giants with every ounce of my being. It doesn't change the fact that their ballpark is SWEEEEEEEET. It's right on the water so you can steer your yacht right to the cove and park that baby so you can catch the game. Ok, so I don't have a yacht, but that's still cool, don't you think? And Pac Bell is sitting on perhaps the only piece of San Francisco that isn't foggy on a constant basis. If you've ever been to San Francisco, you know how rare this actually is. The sight lines are awesome, the ballpark is an architectural wonder, and hell, there's even a friggin slide inside of the Coca-Cola bottle sitting just beyond the outfield wall. Even if there wasn't a game being played, the park would be an awesome place to hang out. You can't say the same about the home of my beloved Dodgers, that's for sure. Dodger Stadium is nice, but it's located in a place called Chavez Ravine. Yes, the park is inside a ravine. I'm not even sure what that is, but it sure doesn't sound like a place I want to be caught inside of, would you?


3. The most random landmarks ever - A bridge touted as golden, but painted bright red. An impenetrable jail set on an island with a gorgeous view of the city skyline. The crookedest damn street in the world. A tower shaped like a fire hose. A really triangular, pointy skyscraper. These are your landmarks, San Francisco. Maybe Whitney Houston finished up an architecture degree while I wasn't looking because whoever created these objects as the biggest testaments to the beauty of San Francisco must have been on crack. But somehow when you take them all together, they really are quite charming. Quirky as hell, sure, but charming. But then again, so was The Bodyguard soundtrack, so who's to say Whitney wasn't involved.


4. Good friends - When I first moved up here, I wasn't sure if I'd really fit in. Perhaps it was because I ended up in the South Bay -- the land of office parks and strip malls -- instead of the city. Take into account the fact that my previous stop was Santa Monica, working just blocks from the beach, and you can see why I didn't quite take to the Bay Area initially. But I ended up meeting so many great friends up here, that I don't regret a second of my Bay Area life. Well, ok, maybe those few seconds where some jerk cut me off on the 237 and caused me to total my car a couple years ago (see "Inconsistent Drivers" above). But other than that, I will definitely miss everyone I've met over the years, and I hope to always keep in touch. If you all need a place to stay while visiting Disneyland or something, you know who to call.

On that sappy note, goodbye San Francisco! You'll always be a big part of my life and I'm going to miss you. Now onto the next chapter...

guess who's back... back again

Hey everyone, long time no see! Just got back from a two-week vacation in lovely Costa Rica, hence the huge lapse in blog entries. My whole hearted apologies for not providing nonsensical pop culture related reading for all of my faithful readers. Yes, all three of you.

In any case, since it has been a while since I've set ground on American soil, I don't have a topic in mind, so this entry will just consist of a stream of random thoughts. Like what? Well, like this...

• According to the lastest televison ad, Kung Fu Hustle is the "number one kung fu comedy in America!" Isn't that like saying this blog is the number one blog written by a Chinese guy named Warren who just got back from a vacation in Costa Rica? Hmmm... I think I will proclaim that fact proudly.
  
• This blog is the NUMBER ONE blog written by a Chinese guy named Warren who just got back from a vacation in Costa Rica!
  
• I don't want to sound blasphemous, but am I the only one who thinks there should be an age limit on new popes going forward? It seems odd to me that the voice of the Catholic church is almost always someone on the brink of being wheeled around on motorized chair. Our new pope is 78. Is that not just days away from spoon-fed applesauce and Depends? I'd say that a fair shake would be that each pope must be no younger than say 55 and can serve until they are 70, max. That way you get them while they've had a good amount of time to experience life, but you also get to shuttle in a new pope before the old one starts to misplace their teeth on an hourly basis. Um yeah, I'm going to hell.
  
• Is it me, or are the last 3 "candidates" on The Apprentice people that no sane corporation would ever hire? Choosing between Tana, Craig, and Kendra would be like choosing between Mallory Keaton, Steven Urkel, and Jessica Simpson to run your corporation. Next season they should just combine that Paris and Nicole show with The Apprentice so they can cut to the chase with loser job applicants.
  
• The Family Guy is back on May 1st! No real joke there or anything, I'm just happy about that fact.
  
• Why does no one watch Scrubs? It is hands down the funniest sitcom on television. I defy you to watch an episode and tell me it's not funny. Unless it's a repeat of the episode that guest starred Clay Aiken. If it's that one, you're better of watching Joey or something, and that's not a compliment.
  
• Tom Brady hosted Saturday Night Live while I was gone, which I would have missed if not for TiVo. This is one of the rare occasions where I'm actually sad that TiVo did its job. Stick to tossing the pigskin, buddy.
  
• My friends and I entertained ourselves during our long drives through the Costa Rican countryside by naming who the hottest celebrities were. Consensus pick for the guys -- Jessica Alba and Kristin Kreuk. For the gals -- that guy who played Tad Hamilton in that one movie and now is on Las Vegas and that one dude from Sex and the City who dated Samantha.
  
• Artists on heavy rotation on my iPod the entire trip -- Interpol, Death Cab for Cutie, Rooney, Rilo Kiley, and Phil Collins. What? Like you weren't rocking out to Genesis back in junior high? Please.
  
• I saw that movie Beyond the Sea that Kevin Spacey made about the life of Bobby Darrin on the plane trip back to the U.S. Man, I wish I had slept instead. Don't get me wrong, Spacey can croon a good tune, but that movie sucked eggs. And not the regular white eggs. It sucked those weird brown eggs that no one ever buys, but are always sitting there next to the white eggs at the supermarket.
  
• Go Yao and the Houston Rockets!
  
• Go Kobe and the Los Angeles Lakers... oh wait, they also sucked brown eggs this year and didn't make the playoffs.
  
• Saying to learn if you intend to visit Costa Rica -- pura vida! Trust me. If you go, you'll know what I mean.
  

Ok, enough for now, gotta get some sleep...

top ten moments of 2004 - part II

Alright, now that you've had the chance to digest the first half of the top ten countdown, let's continue down through the bottom half. What's with that picture, by the way? I have no idea. Just thought it looked cool. Anyway, here's the rest of the Top Ten Entertainment Moments of 2004:

5. Sox Win! Sox Win! - The 2004 World Series transcends the world of sports, as the Boston Red Sox finally break the Curse of the Bambino. Even non-sports fans knew of the futility of the Red Sox and were drawn to watching the hapless ones overcome a 3-0 deficit versus their arch-rivals, the New York Yankees. From there it was a foregone conclusion as they swept the St. Louis Cardinals to capture their first championship in 84 years. The good? Seeing the city of Boston rejoice, as the chip was finally hoisted off their shoulders. The bad? All of the friggin' celebrities who suddenly started sporting Red Sox caps like they knew it would happen all along. The absolutely unforgivable? Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore running onto the field to film a screen kiss for their movie Fever Pitch, thus spoiling a momentous occasion for all Sox fans. Fallon, you screwed up every SNL sketch you were in with your idiotic giggling and inability to keep a straight face. Did you have to screw this moment up too? Geez. Despite this sour note, the victory was still one of the most entertaining of the year, landing it in the top five for 2004.

4. Election 2004 - It was the most hotly contested Presidential election, since, well... the last election we had in 2000. Because of this, the entertainment world felt that they had to throw their two cents in this time and see if they could sway the 2004 Election in their favor. Thus, the return of the propaganda film in the form of Fahrenheit 9/11. Fahrenheit 9/11 became the highest grossing documentary of all time, focusing on the scandals and shortcomings of good ol' Dubya, helping to achieve a resounding victory for John Kerry. What's that you say? John Kerry lost? But didn't Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, and Sean Penn also put their celebrity cred on the line in the push to evict Bush? Yes, you say? And yet they failed too? Hmmm... what's that say about America when our finest movie actors and directors can't even win a damn election? The next thing you'll be telling me is Julia Roberts won't be able to bring stability to Iraq simply with the sound of her charming yet boisterous laugh.

3. Religion as Entertainment - Mel Gibson's epic film, The Passion of the Christ rules the box office, despite critics' claims that Mel was loonier than Anne Heche for even attempting to make this movie. The Passion was released amid controversy that it was anti-semitic and way too violent, but people still came in droves and walked away awed and moved. The movie even spurred numerous television shows and specials about Jesus, further illustrating what an impact it had on the entertainment world. Mel went from Hollywood pariah to entertainment mogul with one of the riskiest movie choices in recent memory. For sticking to his faith, taking a chance, and ultimately proving the critics wrong, Mel Gibson makes the Top Ten for 2004.

2. She's Not a Girl, Not Yet a Twice Divorced Woman - Britney Spears gets married! Um... to the guy who played George in Seinfeld? Oh no, some other dude named Jason Alexander. Oh. Alright. Wait, the marriage was annulled? Oh. Great! Back on the market, alright Brit! What's that? She's now engaged to some dude who fathered two children with a bit part actress on Moesha? In fact, they're now married? Now that's where I draw the line. Come on, you're telling me this is the best she could do? Britney Spears? I remember a time when she could have had pretty much any guy she wanted. Now I can't imagine anyone going near her with a ten foot pole when she gets divorced. And believe me, she will be divorced soon enough. Maybe she's some sort of modern day Cinderella, the clock struck midnight, and her mansion turned back into a trailer park. All I can say is someone find that damn glass slipper, STAT!

1. Answer... Ken Jennings - Question... Who is the most amazing Jeopardy contestant of all time? 74 straight wins, $2.5 million in prize money, Ken Jennings was a frickin' machine. And it's not just the fact that he won, it was how he won. Ken ripped the Jeopardy mic like a vandal, lit up the stage and waxed the other chumps like candles. It was amazing. The score heading into Final Jeopardy was usually something like KJ - $15k, next closet competitor - $2k, last place and proud owner of the Jeopardy travel edition as a parting gift - Negative $5k. Every episode. This must have been what it was like to see Michael Jordan in his prime. Just unstoppable and far and away the best player every to play the game. Even his opponents treated him like he was a deity, just happy to be in his presence and answer a couple of questions before being sent back to obscurity. And then the unthinkable happened. The mighty KJ was taken out by answering "Fed-Ex" when the world so obviously knew "H&R Block" was correct. Just like that, the mighty warrior had fallen. Like seeing an aging Babe Ruth or Hank Aaron struggle to play in their golden years, the defeated Ken Jennings suddenly looked smaller and more meek. However, no one will ever forget the most amazing run in TV game show history. The NUMBER ONE entertainment moment of 2004.

Disagree with this list? Have some others that I've missed? Add your comments below, people, and let the world know...

the top ten moments of 2004 - part I

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Well, alright, it was neither of the two. But 2004 still produced some of the most interesting moments in entertainment history. Like what, you ask? Well, perhaps like these ten moments -- the Top Ten Entertainment Moments of 2004.

I know what you're thinking, we're three full months deep into 2005, why now? Well, the simple answer is this -- you need to take a little time to distance yourself in order to make an objective judgment on the events of the past. Well, that and I've just been a lazy bastard and haven't gotten around to creating this list until now. Ah well. Without further ado...

10. Super Bowl Shocker - What list of 2004 would be complete without the most infamous halftime show in all of sports history? Yeah, the game turned out to be a good one, but can you even name the team that the Patriots beat in 2004? Yet who among us could forget the biggest wardrobe malfunction this side of Z Cavaricci. After singing a tune with Justin Timberlake, hot of the heels of the lyrics, "Bet I'll have you naked by the end of this song," Janet Jackson's left boob made a special guest appearance on the Houston field, star-shaped metallic nipple shield and all. It caused such a hoopla, that the entire criteria for evaluating indecency on TV came under review by the FCC. Now that's a pretty powerful nipple.

9. The Bombing Continues -- Since this is a list of the top ten entertainment moments, I'm not talking about anything war-related here. I'm talking about our Boston Red Sox loving, J.Lo ass kissing (quite literally in the "Jenny From the Block" video), Jennifer Garner dating pal, Ben Affleck. The anticipated blockbuster turned ho-hummer, Daredevil, followed by the unbelievably bad Gigli, quickly followed by ok-but-still-not-fantastic Jersey Girl, and capped off by the box office snoozer Surviving Christmas. If Ben Affleck was a stock, he'd be Enron. Why does this guy still have a career? Is he really that good looking? That charismatic? How long before the statute of limitations wears out on his Good Will Hunting Oscar?

8. Goodbye Must See TV - Friends has bid a fond farewell, and with that tip of the hat, I bring you the Joey era. Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, does it? Add to that the horrendous decline of Will and Grace, and Must See TV on NBC has become an oxymoron. Speaking of Will and Grace, can you name another sitcom that has decayed as fast as this one? Will and Grace used to be laugh out loud funny. Now all of the characters are just caricatures of themselves. The show is about as enjoyable as watching my Dad lounge around at home during the summer with his shirt off. Good luck NBC on reviving this franchise. You're going to need it.

7. Olympics 2004 - Am I the only one who loves the Olympics like most fat kids love Aunt Jemima? Maybe so, but you can't deny that the Athens Olympics had some great moments. Like the USA Women's Softball team demolishing the competition to take the gold medal with ease. Or Michael Phelps setting Olympic records left and right, but still falling just short of his goal to top Mark Spitz's long standing total gold medals count. Or even the crappy USA Men's Basketball team losing the gold medal despite fielding a team of NBA all-stars. I gave up a couple weeks of sleep to catch the live coverage from Athens, and even though I can't name more than about 0.16% of the total winners, I still don't regret it. Long live the Games of the XXVIII Olympiad!

6. The Trials and Tribulations of Ashlee Simpson - Take one talentless sister of a well know ditz, make her "sing" live on national television, play the wrong lip-sync track on air, allow her to do a jig after said guffaw, add one dressing room meltdown, follow all of this up with a healthy dose of booing at the college football National Championship game (which actually happened in 2005, but only by 3 days, so i'm counting this among Ashlee's 2004 transgressions) and what do you have? Ashlee Nicole Simpson. It's not her fault that she's not talented, but it IS her fault that she insists on parading her talentless ass in front of us constantly. Ok, we get it. You're famous for no reason and you're having the time of your life. Enough already!

Yes, you may now catch your breath. Part II will be on its way shortly...

the year of the yao...

This past weekend I got to experience the magic that is Yao. Yes my friends, as part of the NAATA Asian American Film Festival (which concludes this weekend in San Jose), I saw the documentary, The Year of the Yao.

For those of you who may not know who Yao Ming is, he's the All-Star center for the Houston Rockets, first pick of the 2002 NBA Draft, and a native of Shanghai, China. Yao is the first foreign born player drafted #1, and this documentary shows the trials and tribulations of his transition to the U.S. and the NBA.

As an aside, I've always been fascinated with Yao's story. Heck, a friend and I even put together the Yao Minute website to pay homage to our hoops playing pal. I remember reading about Yao when he first declared for the draft. NBA scouts compared his "upside" as being the next Rik Smits. All I could think was, Rik Smits? Really? That's worth a #1 pick? Who's going #2? The next Joe Barry Carroll? Luckily Yao has exceeded these early expectations -- although for a 7'5" dude, he still only rebounds about as well as Emmanuel Lewis at a pickup game at the YMCA.

The film itself lightly touches upon the major plot points of Yao's journey while never quite delving into what makes Yao tick. We see that his early days in the NBA were difficult, mostly due to his inability to speak the language. However, all of the sudden Yao shines in the later part of his rookie year with the Rockets. How did he make the leap? Did his English improve so he could understand the coaches? Was it merely being a bigger part of the Rockets offense that got him working harder? Did his teammates get more comfortable with him and just pass it to him more? We never really know. He just got better, and now he's one of the game's greats. End of story.

Similarly, we hear about the weight that representing China as a hoops playing ambassador had on Yao's life. However, we don't get a window into how this affects Yao. Is it a burden? Is he a proud ambassador? Is he merely playing the role of the good soldier? Again, we never really know. It's a passing side plot and completely disposable -- kind of like cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch.

Instead of the story behind the story, we're just spoon-fed your basic coming to America success story puntuated by SportsCenter highlights of Yao's best and worst moments. The fact that NBA Entertainment played a large role in the making of this documentary probably has a lot to do with this. For them, all they see is a vehicle for pushing the game both here and internationally. Yao's backstory doesn't sell the NBA. Yao dunking over Shaq does. So that's what we see, which is fine if I'm watching NBA Inside Stuff at home on my couch, but I didn't feel as if I learned anything new about Yao after watching this documetary.

Despite my criticisms, I walked out of the movie theater entertained. The packaging of the movie was well done, and the clips were well put together to tell the story through the basketball highlights. However, as a doumentary, it had about as much substance as the "Donna Martin Graduates" episode of 90210. Still, on the Salinger Scale (where a party of five is the highest rating) I'm holding a reservation for Julia, Bailey, and Claudia. 3 Salingers for The Year of the Yao.

10 years ago...

Yesterday marked Yahoo!'s 10th birthday. For those of you who don't know, I currently work at the big Y!, so it was quite a momentous day. So momentous, in fact, Sugar Ray came out of their 90's time capsule to perform for us. Yes, that Sugar Ray. You know, the ones that just want to fly. It was actually a fun little bash, so kudos to you Mark McGrath for an entertaining little show. Yes that Mark McGrath, new host of TV's Extra.

Anyhow, the day's festivities got me thinking about my first experiences with the Internet. I think back to my very first email address back at UCLA. Back in 1995 we didn't get to choose an email addy, we were just assigned a random sequence of letters and numbers. My email addy? IZZY7OS@ucla.edu. Why do I remember that? Perhaps it's because my good ol' IZZY mail got taken away for improper use.

You see, with my first email address I only knew about 6 people I could actually write to. That was about the extent of it. And once you fired off these emails, people weren't in the habit of checking in daily, so there was generally some gaps in response time.

One day, I checked my mail and found that I had nothing to reply to. Instead of just logging out and leaving the computer lab, I decided to surf through the campus email directory. For some reason, it was ok to post everyone's names that signed up for a UCLA email account at that time, so you could surf through it and pick out people to send messages to. Sure, I could have looked for the names of my friends, but what would be the fun in that?

Instead I chose to email students who had the misfortune of sharing names with famous people. I usually stuck with popular actors' names from the world of TV, like Ted Danson, for instance. Most would respond with a laugh and an, "I get that all the time" type email. However, I distinctly remember emailing a kid named Henry Winkler and asking him what it felt like to be the Fonz. I followed that up something like, "Say 'hi' to Potsie and Ralph Malph when you see them. Ayyyyyyyy!" Apparently Mr. Winkler didn't find this funny since he reported me to the UCLA computer lab and had my account suspended. Can you believe that? Frickin' Fake Fonzie told on me. For someone who's mantra was "be cool," this guy certainly wasn't.

In the end I had to beg to have my account reinstated, and I never did email any more "celebrities" after that. So Fake Fonzie, here's to you buddy. I almost wish I could find you today so I could tell you "Hey, remember tattling on me 10 years ago? Well I work at Yahoo! now, bitch. I'm deactivating your Yahoo! Mail account so you can see what you put me through. Say 'hi' to Potsie and Ralph Malph for me... oh wait, you can't since I shut down your email. Ayyyyyyyyyy!"

a review of hitch, with one slight hitch

I've decided to review the movie Hitch for all of you faithful blog readers out there. Yes, all two of you. The hitch (get it? hitch? like the name of the movie? oh forget it...) -- I haven't actually seen the movie. I actually don't plan to. But I've seen the trailer a couple of times and the commercials seem to play non-stop. I've also seen Independence Day and countless Fresh Prince of Bel Air episodes, so I've seen more than enough Will Smith to make a blind judgement call on Hitch, right? Right. Here goes...

Hitch is your typical romantic comedy, with Will Smith playing the title character -- a smooth talking, debonair, man's man who can make any woman's heart melt with his words and actions. Hitch is so smooth he pimps out his advice to anyone with a blank check, and a lack of basic social skills.

Enter the dude from King of Queens, who plays, um... well some guy who's all awkward and clumsy and stuff. He's rich and he's in love with this gal, who looks an awful like model Amber Valleta. Of course outside of the confines of this movie, she would never give this goofball the time of day, but we suspend disbelief because hey, we paid 12 bucks for this movie so we kinda have to.

Hitch teaches King of Queens guy some smooth lines, some dance moves, and sends him on his way. I'm going to guess King of Queens and model gal end up dating, King of Queens guy makes a fool of himself, King of Queens guy figures he's blown it, model gal actually finds him endearing, King of Queens guy comes clean about Hitch, model gal says I like you for you, and they fall in love at the end. Awww... how sweet. And not at all predictable. No really, I never saw that coming.

In a "shocking" twist, Hitch meets the girl from 2 Fast 2 Furious and falls in love at first sight. However, like that one episode of Happy Days where Mork comes to earth and steals Fonzie's cool, Hitch becomes as cool-free as Steven Urkel. We laugh at Hitch's hijinks as he accidentally kicks 2 Fast 2 Furious girl in the head as they jet-ski. We continue the guffaws as Hitch eats something he's allergic to, and his head swells up like a balloon. Oh Hitch. You're not a mack, you're just a human being looking to be loved. And love is more than just a couple suave lines, it's about being yourself. The key message of this movie -- it doesn't matter what level of television royalty you're at. Fresh Prince or King of Queens, we're all just the same underneath.

A predictable tale with some heartwarming moments, Hitch is like a Big Mac. Good every once in a while, but not really a satisfying meal. On the Salinger scale, where a Party of Five is the highest rating, Hitch invites Bailey, Charlie, and half an Owen to dinner. 2.5 Salingers.

Again, I have never seen Hitch, but I defy you to tell me that I haven't nailed this movie right on the head.

hip-hop academy awards

The Los Angeles Times reports today that this year's Academy Awards broadcast, hosted by comedian Chris Rock, will be modified to "accommodate Rock's hip-hop-direct brand of comedy." In the spirit of helping out the Academy Awards, I have come up with five suggestions to help accomplish this feat:

1) Pimp my Oscar - Rapper Xzibit will grab a couple unsuspecting Academy Award winners and take their Oscar down to West Coast Customs for a hip-hop makeover. Tired of that same old golden award? Fret no longer. Wait until you see the latest in awards show bling -- a new platinum coating, diamonds where Oscar's eyes should be, spinners in the legs, and a 1.25" plasma TV set into his newly blinged out tummy. Imagine the look on Clint Eastwood's face when Xzibit tells him, "you've been pimped, playa!" I'd pay a fistful of dollars to see that.

2) Source Awards backstage action - Every other year or so, a big brawl seems to break out between some of rap's biggest artists, and their respective posses at the Source Awards. Why not extend this into the Academy Awards? What could be more hip-hop than a couple of folks settling their beef up front and personal. Imagine Jennifer Aniston running into Angelina Jolie backstage... are you telling me TV's Rachel Green wouldn't want a piece of the girl who supposedly ruined her marriage with Brad Pitt? This could be a better brawl than Vince McMahon could ever script. Even if Chris Rock wasn't the host, we should demand to see this kind of entertainment from our award shows. Send your petition to the Academy today.

3) Acceptizzle speeches - All award winners will have to speak like Snoop Dogg during their acceptance speech. No exceptions. Martin Scorsese, this means you too. "I like to thizzle the Academizzle for this awardizzle, y'all. To my wife, Julizzle, this awardizzle is for you, bitch. You my baby mama, fo' shizzle. To all you haters out there, don't hate the plizzaya, hate the gizzame! Peace out, yo. Oh, and thanks to Leonardo DiCaprizzle for his fine performance."

4) Apollo-style award winners - On It's Showtime at the Apollo, they had a segment on every show called "Amateur Night," where performers would get on the famed Apollo stage and sing their hearts out. The audience determined the winner, and those that didn't meet the cut got booed off the stage. Why not do this for the Oscars? Have the nominees come on stage and recite some lines from their Oscar-nominated performances and let the audience decide. If the audience wants Sideways to walk away with the Best Picture award, so be it. If they want to boo the hell out of Morgan Freeman (although if you do this, you're a cold, cold, unfeeling bastard), be my guest. This would be 100 times more exciting than any previous Academy Awards broadcast.

5) Oscars 360 - Narrow down the nominees in each category to two finalists (if possible, by using the Apollo "Amateur Night" technique above) and let these two go head to head in a dance-off. I heard Kate Winslet has a little junk in the trunk, but a proud Annette Benning wouldn't allow Winslet to walk away with the Oscar without first beating her pop-locking techniques honed through years of training with husband Warren Beatty. Think you can take 'em, Catalina Sandino Moreno? Gotta bring it harder than that tired old robot, sister.