reality bites

As you probably guessed by now, I'm a reality TV junkie. You slap that label on something, I'll probably watch it at least once, if not 20 times. A little nuts? Maybe. But let my disease be your guide to the mostly less than wonderful world of reality TV. Here's a quick rundown on what's worth watching and what you can skip in order to catch up on your reading. Ha ha, just kidding. I know no one actually reads books.

TiVo It

The Real World: Austin - After a season in Philadelphia that had the RW franchise on the ropes, the latest installment comes back strong, like Rocky Balboa on Ivan Drago. In the first episode alone we got a girl-on-girl hot tub kiss, a roomie who gets Ruthie-level drunk and starts a fight with another one of her roommates which indirectly leads to still another roommate getting his eye socket broken, a hottie roommate who insists on constantly walking around in her underwear, the reincarnation of Abe from Road Rules, and oh, remember the broken eye socket -- a remnant of a sucker punch from an anonymous stranger who apparently hates Real Worlders. This is all in the FIRST episode! After this brilliant hour of television, I was ready to put Austin in the Real World Hall of Fame, next to Las Vegas and Hawaii. Sadly, the excitement has gone down a bit since that inaugural viewing. But still, the grandaddy of reality TV is back, and for that reason alone is TiVo-worthy.

Being Bobby Brown - Look we all knew Bobby was a freak. After he recorded "Ain't Nobody Humpin' Around," the mystery was pretty much gone. The true star of this series is Mrs. Bobby Brown, aka Whitney Houston. I hate to compare her behavior to that of a crack whore, but that's only because it may be a slap in the face to all the drug addicted prostitutes out there. Like rubbernecking to watch a car accident on the side of the freeway, or a showing of Glitter on VH1, Being Bobby Brown has to be seen to be believed. Add the fact that Bobby actually has to be subtitled even though he's speaking English, and this has Season Pass written all over it.

30 Days - From Morgan Spurlock, the creator of the Academy Award nominated, Super Size Me, comes this weekly show on FX. The basic premise -- place someone in a situation completely out of their element for 30 days in order to see how they deal with it. Not only does the subject of each social experiment learn something, but the viewer does as well. Episodes featuring Spurlock and his fiancee living on minimum wage, a Christian man forced to live as a Muslim, and a man who takes steroids for 30 days to see if it would make him feel younger, really held my attention. Others, such as watching a mom binge drink to teach her college aged daughter a lesson, came out as flat as Scottie Pippen's nose. Despite this shortcoming, 30 Days is more hit than miss, and is truly one of the few reality shows that strives to push reality TV beyond mindless entertainment. For this reason it lands on my TiVo playlist.

Well, Still Better Than Reading Books

Hell's Kitchen - Take one part world-famous chef, a handful of chef wanna-be's, and a dash of insanity, and what do you have? No, not a cheese omelette. Fox's Hell's Kitchen. I honestly thought it was so over the top that I stopped watching after the first couple episodes, thinking that no one would ever subject themselves to such abuse from a master chef in order to be one themselves. However, after talking to a friend who has a brother who dealt with the same type of lunacy on his road to being an executive chef, I guess the premise isn't so far fetched afterall. The season is nearly done, but you still have a chance to catch some poor sap get a tongue lashing. And a cheeky British tongue lashing at that.

Rockstar: INXS - INXS lost lead singer Michael Hutchence to an apparent suicide back in 1997. Now that 8 years have passed, the best way to honor their former lead singer seems to be by holding a rock version of American Idol to find his replacement. Not bad, but very repetitive. I can't see enjoying this beyond a couple episodes. Plus all the contestants are in their 20's, while the band itself is on the cusp of Social Security. By the time they go on the road with the winner, 5/6ths of the new band will be able to withdraw cash from their Roth IRA with no tax penalty whatsoever. In the end, I don't know why they're bothering with this whole song and dance. Just grab Bo Bice and be done with it.

Avoid Like Corey Feldman's Career

Average Joe: The Joes Strike Back - Take a slightly above average looking girl and surround her with less than average looking guys. Sound familiar? Yeah, because they've tried this premise twice already. The new slant? Rejected dweebs get to come back after an extreme makeover to try and win the love of previously mentioned slightly above average looking girl. Not different enough to distinguish itself from the previous two installments, and let's face it, those two seasons both sucked anyway. Stay away.

Big Brother 6 - The latest Big Brother puts a bunch of strangers into a house that they cannot leave for about 2 months. The twist -- everyone secretly knows someone else in the house... ooooh! Except honestly, unless you're an idiot, couldn't you figure out that hey, if I have a secret pal in this house, everyone else probably does too? Apparently they can't. None of them. And they all spend their days "staying true" while "playing the game" whatever those statements mean. I'm not a fan. But then again, I'll probably watch this anyway if only to avoid Dan Brown and his literary cohorts.