Wednesday, November 23, 2005

a time to give thanks...



Seeing as tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I thought it would be a good a time as any to list all the things I'm thankful for...

  • TiVo, of course
  • Rick Dees no longer being on the radio here in L.A.
  • Tito's Tacos
  • Getting to see my family more
  • Trader Joe's fruit leathers (in particular Granny Smith Apple and Strawberry)
  • 80 degree weather, clear blue skies, bright California sunshine... all at the end of November
  • The return of college basketball
  • Being able to read the Sunday L.A. Times again
  • Swiffers
  • R. Kelly continuing to expand the Trapped in the Closet saga so I have something to giggle at
  • IdentityCraft, custom furniture at a discount price
  • LaDanian Tomlinson, fantasy foorball stud
  • Whoever started this "just leave your hair messy looking, it's cool" look
  • My Name is Earl, the funniest new sitcom on television
  • The swings at Santa Monica beach
  • People who take Spanish classes while on "vacation"
  • Zankou's Chicken
  • NFL Sunday Ticket
  • Snickers, because they really satisfy you
  • The White Shadow finally coming out on DVD
  • The Sports Guy finally shutting the hell up about the damn Patriots
  • Any day when I get to sleep in
  • Entertainment Weekly
  • Cheez-Its (but not Cheese Nips because they're too racist)
  • Cheeky British sayings
  • Cranberry Black Cherry flavored Juice Squeeze drinks
  • And all in all, just being happy and content with life...
Ok, your turn!

Monday, November 14, 2005

that's soooo L.A.

As you probably know, I moved back to Los Angeles about 5 months ago, after spending the past 6 years up in the Bay Area. Last week, I saw something that really drove home the fact that I was in L.A. I saw this car sitting outside my office:



The picture doesn't do the car justice. Calling it a total piece of crap would be a compliment. The car is a 70's Volkswagon that was riddled with dents, had a faded paint job, and was rusted straight through to the core in some spots. I'd be surprised if the car actually started without sputtering and dropping an oil slick in its wake.

So why would a beat up VW signify a return to L.A.? Well, it's not so much the car itself... it was what was IN the car:



Ahh yes. It's good to be back!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

live from new york...



It's probably tough to recall today, but Saturday Night Live actually used to be funny. No really. It's true. My friends and I would quote the usual suspects -- Hanz and Franz, the Church Lady, Wayne and Garth -- but my favorite quotes came from the lesser-known skits.

To this day, I still find myself throwing out these quotes, even though I know that the likelihood of someone understanding them is slimmer than Lindsay Lohan's waistline. Whenever anyone does recognize these quotes, it puts a smile on my face, like finding another member of a long lost secret club. So in hopes getting a couple more people in this world onto my SNL wavelength, here's some of my favorite obscure quotes from the show:

"Bad idea jeans..."
This is one of the more well-known obscure quotes (is that an oxymoron? probably). Just so you can visualize a "bad idea jeans moment", the last time I used this was when my friend's 3-year-old daughter started running around the edge of a fountain and tried to jump across it. Bad idea jeans indeed.

This quote came from a parody of the jeans commercials that would run in that era. It was a bunch of people saying ridiculous quotes like "Now that I have kids, I feel a lot better having a gun in the house" followed by a graphic that read "BAD IDEA". The final scene involved a group of geeky white guys in jeans challenging a group of very gigantic, very angry looking black dudes to a game of hoops yelling, "Let's bet these guys! A hundred bucks.. make that two hundred! Two hundred bucks!" A classic.

Read a transcript of the BAD IDEA JEANS sketch.

"It was much better than cats, I would see it again and again"
This is far and away my favorite obscure quote. I often use it when asked for my opinion on a movie or TV show, and to date only 3 people have recognized it. For the other 2,343 people who didn't, well... too bad for you.

The premise was that viewers of a brand-new Broadway show were being interviewed as they left the theater, and every single one of them gave the quote above in a very robotic and monotone voice. After about 4 of these "ringing" endorsements, it was revealed that the new Broadway show was a hypnotist. I know, not really that funny, but I like saying the quote anyway.

"They didn't change the recipe like they said they were going to! It's still people!! "
This comes from a parody of the cult movie classic Soylent Green. It had Phil Hartman playing Charlton Heston by mocking Heston's melodramatic over-the-top acting style. I've never actually seen the movie, but here's what I gathered by watching the sketch -- in the future, the world is completely over-populated and people are starving due to lack of food. The government creates a special food called Soylent Green and feeds the masses. The twist? "Soylent Green is made from people... PEOPLE!!!" This sketch was supposed to be a sequel of Soylent Green and it ended with Hartman yelling "Soylent Green is still made out of people! They didn't change the recipe like they said they were going to! It's still people!! " as the *new* movie twist. The only thing that made this sketch memorable was the way Hartman yelled his lines. Ask me to do it one day, you'll see what I mean.

Read a transcript of the SOYLENT GREEN sketch.

"Soapy water? Soapy water was the first thing I tried. Then it was the 7th thing I tried. then it was the 24th thing I tried. Soapy water? Soapy water..."
This comes from a Rob Lowe sketch called "Helmet Head", which involved a guy who came back from the war and somehow got his helmet permanently stuck to his head. The whole plot line is just people trying to pry the helmet loose. When someone suggests he tries soapy water, Lowe looks incredulous and says the quote just before collapsing into a full sob. When would I use this quote in real life? Usually as I'm washing my hands, naturally.

"My name is Schmee. I'm a magic bee!"
This comes from one of the few sketches Chris Rock was allowed to take part in. As a side note, it still shocks me to see what a big star Chris Rock has become today given how minimal his role was in SNL. They totally wasted his talent while he was on that show. Oh well. In any case, Rock played a little boy who had an imaginary friend -- Chris Farley in a bee costume. I remember nothing else about the sketch except Farley prancing around repeating the quote above. It's just fun to say, don't you think?

Got any favorites that I missed? Let me know!