The Los Angeles Times reports today that this year's Academy Awards broadcast, hosted by comedian Chris Rock, will be modified to "accommodate Rock's hip-hop-direct brand of comedy." In the spirit of helping out the Academy Awards, I have come up with five suggestions to help accomplish this feat:
1) Pimp my Oscar - Rapper Xzibit will grab a couple unsuspecting Academy Award winners and take their Oscar down to West Coast Customs for a hip-hop makeover. Tired of that same old golden award? Fret no longer. Wait until you see the latest in awards show bling -- a new platinum coating, diamonds where Oscar's eyes should be, spinners in the legs, and a 1.25" plasma TV set into his newly blinged out tummy. Imagine the look on Clint Eastwood's face when Xzibit tells him, "you've been pimped, playa!" I'd pay a fistful of dollars to see that.
2) Source Awards backstage action - Every other year or so, a big brawl seems to break out between some of rap's biggest artists, and their respective posses at the Source Awards. Why not extend this into the Academy Awards? What could be more hip-hop than a couple of folks settling their beef up front and personal. Imagine Jennifer Aniston running into Angelina Jolie backstage... are you telling me TV's Rachel Green wouldn't want a piece of the girl who supposedly ruined her marriage with Brad Pitt? This could be a better brawl than Vince McMahon could ever script. Even if Chris Rock wasn't the host, we should demand to see this kind of entertainment from our award shows. Send your petition to the Academy today.
3) Acceptizzle speeches - All award winners will have to speak like Snoop Dogg during their acceptance speech. No exceptions. Martin Scorsese, this means you too. "I like to thizzle the Academizzle for this awardizzle, y'all. To my wife, Julizzle, this awardizzle is for you, bitch. You my baby mama, fo' shizzle. To all you haters out there, don't hate the plizzaya, hate the gizzame! Peace out, yo. Oh, and thanks to Leonardo DiCaprizzle for his fine performance."
4) Apollo-style award winners - On It's Showtime at the Apollo, they had a segment on every show called "Amateur Night," where performers would get on the famed Apollo stage and sing their hearts out. The audience determined the winner, and those that didn't meet the cut got booed off the stage. Why not do this for the Oscars? Have the nominees come on stage and recite some lines from their Oscar-nominated performances and let the audience decide. If the audience wants Sideways to walk away with the Best Picture award, so be it. If they want to boo the hell out of Morgan Freeman (although if you do this, you're a cold, cold, unfeeling bastard), be my guest. This would be 100 times more exciting than any previous Academy Awards broadcast.
5) Oscars 360 - Narrow down the nominees in each category to two finalists (if possible, by using the Apollo "Amateur Night" technique above) and let these two go head to head in a dance-off. I heard Kate Winslet has a little junk in the trunk, but a proud Annette Benning wouldn't allow Winslet to walk away with the Oscar without first beating her pop-locking techniques honed through years of training with husband Warren Beatty. Think you can take 'em, Catalina Sandino Moreno? Gotta bring it harder than that tired old robot, sister.
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