Wow. That was a BLOWOUT. I was going to say it was a blowout with a capital B, but on second thought, it deserved caps across the board. Who'd have thunk it? It was supposed to be the best college football matchup ever. USC and Oklahoma were supposed to be dead even on paper. Heisman winning quarterback? Check and check. Heisman caliber running back? Check and check. Big time defesive lineman named Cody? Check and check. I mean, how much more even can you get? And then the whistle blew, the game was played, and OU was punked worse than Ashton Kutcher on Wilmer Valderamma.
I know I'm supposed to hate everything SC, being a UCLA alum and all, but I had to root for my Pac-10 compatriots in this game. This was doubly true since I knew Jason White would be cementing his status as the absolute worst big game college QB in history, leading OU to become the Buffalo Bills of the college world. Yet despite all this, OU's performance will not go down as the worst part of Tuesday's game. No, my friends. That honor belongs to a certain songstress by the name of Ashlee Simpson.
Hot off the heels of her lip syncing scandal on SNL, Ashlee was hell bent on making sure she sang live the next time she appeared on TV, and there was no doubt that her performance was... well, live. Off-key, scratchy throated and completely out of sync with her music, Ashlee was worse than a Jason White off-balance pass into quadruple coverage for an interception (and by the way, I'm no Heisman winning QB, but if I'm falling backwards, and I see a sea of red jerseys downfield with a tiny dot of white in the middle, I'm probably NOT going to throw it there... that's just my inexperience talking though, I guess). I don't even think my description does Ashlee's performace justice. Imagine the sound a cat might make as someone was pulling his legs out one by one. Now imagine the sound of 80's hair band Warrant accompanying said cat with an ear splitting rock/pop beat. Got that sound in your head? Congratulations, you've just enjoyed a tune by the best-selling artist known as Ashlee Simpson.
The best part was when the song ended, and the stadium showered Ashlee with more boos than a showing of Gigli. The camera actually panned out to show the whole stadium booing the poor girl for a good 20 seconds. And the ABC cameras never broke away from it. Harsh. Then again, she's famous for no reason other than the fact that her sister can actually sing, is hot, is dumb as a brick, and has big gigantic breasts, so I don't feel too sorry for her. I'd be booed for a couple million and my own MTV reality show too if I had the chance.
So to sum up -- big blowout, USC is undisputed #1 in the nation, OU sucks balls, Jason White is a choke artist, and most importantly, despite being booed by a nation of college football fans, Ashlee Simpson is still richer than you and I will ever be. Combined. Ah, the Orange Bowl... ain't it grand?
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