so long, farewell, auf weidersehen adieu

Well, I am back in the land of sunshine, palm trees, screenwriters, and surfer gals. Yes, after 6 years, I've left the Bay Area to return to where I was born and raised, Los Angeles. Was it an easy decision to leave? Definitely not. I mean, sure there's a few things about the Bay Area I won't miss. Namely...

1. Toll bridges - They suck. Why should I pay money to cross a couple hundred feet of metal? Isn't that where my tax dollars went in the first place, to pay for the cost of these bridges? And we're not talking about a dollar or two, we're talking three bucks for nearly every bridge, no matter how long or short the span. For instance, the Benecia Bridge, which is about as long as Emmanuel Lewis, costs the same as the Yao Ming of bridges, the San Mateo bridge. That makes about as much sense as the last episode of the X-Files. The one exception to the three dollar rule? Well, that would be the Golden Gate Bridge, which costs a ridiculous five bucks to cross. FIVE bucks!


2. Robin Williams - He's just so over the top, his acting is painful to watch. Why is he on this list? Well, he lives in San Francisco, so that's an additional strike right there.


3. Inconsistent drivers - In the Bay Area, you never know if the driver next to you is going to be nice or evil. At least in LA you know they're all evil, so you know what to expect and you react accordingly. SF driving is a crap shoot, and that makes life on the road all the more infuriating.

But overall, though my heart belongs in Los Angeles, there are some things about the Bay Area I'm going to forever remember and miss. For instance:

1. San Francisco is a real, actual city - Unlike Los Angeles, there's one centralized place where people both live AND work. Where I grew up, the concept of people living downtown and commuting into work via public transportation was about as foreign as Jet Li in a hog calling competition. So while I was in SF, I really enjoyed the fact that when I met up with friends from all over the Bay Area, there was no question about where we were going. Everyone was going to meet up in the city. It was akin to saying "wow, the Clippers aren't very good this season" -- it was just a given fact, so why fight it? In LA, everyone lives all over the damn place, so finding somewhere to meet up is always a chore.


2. The artist formerly known as Pac Bell Park - A slight tangent -- I once knew a guy in college named Louis who got in touch with his roots during junior year and from that point on, insisted on being addressed only as Luis. You know what, Louis? Too damn bad. Hey, I'm happy that you are now in tune with your cultural background, but I will never call you by your "new" name. You had me at Louis, my friend. You lost me at Luis. Similarly, I don't want any of this SBC Park nonsense. It's Pac Bell Park. Period. And it is THE most fantastic ballpark I have ever been to. Don't get me wrong, I hate the Giants with every ounce of my being. It doesn't change the fact that their ballpark is SWEEEEEEEET. It's right on the water so you can steer your yacht right to the cove and park that baby so you can catch the game. Ok, so I don't have a yacht, but that's still cool, don't you think? And Pac Bell is sitting on perhaps the only piece of San Francisco that isn't foggy on a constant basis. If you've ever been to San Francisco, you know how rare this actually is. The sight lines are awesome, the ballpark is an architectural wonder, and hell, there's even a friggin slide inside of the Coca-Cola bottle sitting just beyond the outfield wall. Even if there wasn't a game being played, the park would be an awesome place to hang out. You can't say the same about the home of my beloved Dodgers, that's for sure. Dodger Stadium is nice, but it's located in a place called Chavez Ravine. Yes, the park is inside a ravine. I'm not even sure what that is, but it sure doesn't sound like a place I want to be caught inside of, would you?


3. The most random landmarks ever - A bridge touted as golden, but painted bright red. An impenetrable jail set on an island with a gorgeous view of the city skyline. The crookedest damn street in the world. A tower shaped like a fire hose. A really triangular, pointy skyscraper. These are your landmarks, San Francisco. Maybe Whitney Houston finished up an architecture degree while I wasn't looking because whoever created these objects as the biggest testaments to the beauty of San Francisco must have been on crack. But somehow when you take them all together, they really are quite charming. Quirky as hell, sure, but charming. But then again, so was The Bodyguard soundtrack, so who's to say Whitney wasn't involved.


4. Good friends - When I first moved up here, I wasn't sure if I'd really fit in. Perhaps it was because I ended up in the South Bay -- the land of office parks and strip malls -- instead of the city. Take into account the fact that my previous stop was Santa Monica, working just blocks from the beach, and you can see why I didn't quite take to the Bay Area initially. But I ended up meeting so many great friends up here, that I don't regret a second of my Bay Area life. Well, ok, maybe those few seconds where some jerk cut me off on the 237 and caused me to total my car a couple years ago (see "Inconsistent Drivers" above). But other than that, I will definitely miss everyone I've met over the years, and I hope to always keep in touch. If you all need a place to stay while visiting Disneyland or something, you know who to call.

On that sappy note, goodbye San Francisco! You'll always be a big part of my life and I'm going to miss you. Now onto the next chapter...

guess who's back... back again

Hey everyone, long time no see! Just got back from a two-week vacation in lovely Costa Rica, hence the huge lapse in blog entries. My whole hearted apologies for not providing nonsensical pop culture related reading for all of my faithful readers. Yes, all three of you.

In any case, since it has been a while since I've set ground on American soil, I don't have a topic in mind, so this entry will just consist of a stream of random thoughts. Like what? Well, like this...

• According to the lastest televison ad, Kung Fu Hustle is the "number one kung fu comedy in America!" Isn't that like saying this blog is the number one blog written by a Chinese guy named Warren who just got back from a vacation in Costa Rica? Hmmm... I think I will proclaim that fact proudly.
  
• This blog is the NUMBER ONE blog written by a Chinese guy named Warren who just got back from a vacation in Costa Rica!
  
• I don't want to sound blasphemous, but am I the only one who thinks there should be an age limit on new popes going forward? It seems odd to me that the voice of the Catholic church is almost always someone on the brink of being wheeled around on motorized chair. Our new pope is 78. Is that not just days away from spoon-fed applesauce and Depends? I'd say that a fair shake would be that each pope must be no younger than say 55 and can serve until they are 70, max. That way you get them while they've had a good amount of time to experience life, but you also get to shuttle in a new pope before the old one starts to misplace their teeth on an hourly basis. Um yeah, I'm going to hell.
  
• Is it me, or are the last 3 "candidates" on The Apprentice people that no sane corporation would ever hire? Choosing between Tana, Craig, and Kendra would be like choosing between Mallory Keaton, Steven Urkel, and Jessica Simpson to run your corporation. Next season they should just combine that Paris and Nicole show with The Apprentice so they can cut to the chase with loser job applicants.
  
• The Family Guy is back on May 1st! No real joke there or anything, I'm just happy about that fact.
  
• Why does no one watch Scrubs? It is hands down the funniest sitcom on television. I defy you to watch an episode and tell me it's not funny. Unless it's a repeat of the episode that guest starred Clay Aiken. If it's that one, you're better of watching Joey or something, and that's not a compliment.
  
• Tom Brady hosted Saturday Night Live while I was gone, which I would have missed if not for TiVo. This is one of the rare occasions where I'm actually sad that TiVo did its job. Stick to tossing the pigskin, buddy.
  
• My friends and I entertained ourselves during our long drives through the Costa Rican countryside by naming who the hottest celebrities were. Consensus pick for the guys -- Jessica Alba and Kristin Kreuk. For the gals -- that guy who played Tad Hamilton in that one movie and now is on Las Vegas and that one dude from Sex and the City who dated Samantha.
  
• Artists on heavy rotation on my iPod the entire trip -- Interpol, Death Cab for Cutie, Rooney, Rilo Kiley, and Phil Collins. What? Like you weren't rocking out to Genesis back in junior high? Please.
  
• I saw that movie Beyond the Sea that Kevin Spacey made about the life of Bobby Darrin on the plane trip back to the U.S. Man, I wish I had slept instead. Don't get me wrong, Spacey can croon a good tune, but that movie sucked eggs. And not the regular white eggs. It sucked those weird brown eggs that no one ever buys, but are always sitting there next to the white eggs at the supermarket.
  
• Go Yao and the Houston Rockets!
  
• Go Kobe and the Los Angeles Lakers... oh wait, they also sucked brown eggs this year and didn't make the playoffs.
  
• Saying to learn if you intend to visit Costa Rica -- pura vida! Trust me. If you go, you'll know what I mean.
  

Ok, enough for now, gotta get some sleep...

top ten moments of 2004 - part II

Alright, now that you've had the chance to digest the first half of the top ten countdown, let's continue down through the bottom half. What's with that picture, by the way? I have no idea. Just thought it looked cool. Anyway, here's the rest of the Top Ten Entertainment Moments of 2004:

5. Sox Win! Sox Win! - The 2004 World Series transcends the world of sports, as the Boston Red Sox finally break the Curse of the Bambino. Even non-sports fans knew of the futility of the Red Sox and were drawn to watching the hapless ones overcome a 3-0 deficit versus their arch-rivals, the New York Yankees. From there it was a foregone conclusion as they swept the St. Louis Cardinals to capture their first championship in 84 years. The good? Seeing the city of Boston rejoice, as the chip was finally hoisted off their shoulders. The bad? All of the friggin' celebrities who suddenly started sporting Red Sox caps like they knew it would happen all along. The absolutely unforgivable? Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore running onto the field to film a screen kiss for their movie Fever Pitch, thus spoiling a momentous occasion for all Sox fans. Fallon, you screwed up every SNL sketch you were in with your idiotic giggling and inability to keep a straight face. Did you have to screw this moment up too? Geez. Despite this sour note, the victory was still one of the most entertaining of the year, landing it in the top five for 2004.

4. Election 2004 - It was the most hotly contested Presidential election, since, well... the last election we had in 2000. Because of this, the entertainment world felt that they had to throw their two cents in this time and see if they could sway the 2004 Election in their favor. Thus, the return of the propaganda film in the form of Fahrenheit 9/11. Fahrenheit 9/11 became the highest grossing documentary of all time, focusing on the scandals and shortcomings of good ol' Dubya, helping to achieve a resounding victory for John Kerry. What's that you say? John Kerry lost? But didn't Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, and Sean Penn also put their celebrity cred on the line in the push to evict Bush? Yes, you say? And yet they failed too? Hmmm... what's that say about America when our finest movie actors and directors can't even win a damn election? The next thing you'll be telling me is Julia Roberts won't be able to bring stability to Iraq simply with the sound of her charming yet boisterous laugh.

3. Religion as Entertainment - Mel Gibson's epic film, The Passion of the Christ rules the box office, despite critics' claims that Mel was loonier than Anne Heche for even attempting to make this movie. The Passion was released amid controversy that it was anti-semitic and way too violent, but people still came in droves and walked away awed and moved. The movie even spurred numerous television shows and specials about Jesus, further illustrating what an impact it had on the entertainment world. Mel went from Hollywood pariah to entertainment mogul with one of the riskiest movie choices in recent memory. For sticking to his faith, taking a chance, and ultimately proving the critics wrong, Mel Gibson makes the Top Ten for 2004.

2. She's Not a Girl, Not Yet a Twice Divorced Woman - Britney Spears gets married! Um... to the guy who played George in Seinfeld? Oh no, some other dude named Jason Alexander. Oh. Alright. Wait, the marriage was annulled? Oh. Great! Back on the market, alright Brit! What's that? She's now engaged to some dude who fathered two children with a bit part actress on Moesha? In fact, they're now married? Now that's where I draw the line. Come on, you're telling me this is the best she could do? Britney Spears? I remember a time when she could have had pretty much any guy she wanted. Now I can't imagine anyone going near her with a ten foot pole when she gets divorced. And believe me, she will be divorced soon enough. Maybe she's some sort of modern day Cinderella, the clock struck midnight, and her mansion turned back into a trailer park. All I can say is someone find that damn glass slipper, STAT!

1. Answer... Ken Jennings - Question... Who is the most amazing Jeopardy contestant of all time? 74 straight wins, $2.5 million in prize money, Ken Jennings was a frickin' machine. And it's not just the fact that he won, it was how he won. Ken ripped the Jeopardy mic like a vandal, lit up the stage and waxed the other chumps like candles. It was amazing. The score heading into Final Jeopardy was usually something like KJ - $15k, next closet competitor - $2k, last place and proud owner of the Jeopardy travel edition as a parting gift - Negative $5k. Every episode. This must have been what it was like to see Michael Jordan in his prime. Just unstoppable and far and away the best player every to play the game. Even his opponents treated him like he was a deity, just happy to be in his presence and answer a couple of questions before being sent back to obscurity. And then the unthinkable happened. The mighty KJ was taken out by answering "Fed-Ex" when the world so obviously knew "H&R Block" was correct. Just like that, the mighty warrior had fallen. Like seeing an aging Babe Ruth or Hank Aaron struggle to play in their golden years, the defeated Ken Jennings suddenly looked smaller and more meek. However, no one will ever forget the most amazing run in TV game show history. The NUMBER ONE entertainment moment of 2004.

Disagree with this list? Have some others that I've missed? Add your comments below, people, and let the world know...

the top ten moments of 2004 - part I

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Well, alright, it was neither of the two. But 2004 still produced some of the most interesting moments in entertainment history. Like what, you ask? Well, perhaps like these ten moments -- the Top Ten Entertainment Moments of 2004.

I know what you're thinking, we're three full months deep into 2005, why now? Well, the simple answer is this -- you need to take a little time to distance yourself in order to make an objective judgment on the events of the past. Well, that and I've just been a lazy bastard and haven't gotten around to creating this list until now. Ah well. Without further ado...

10. Super Bowl Shocker - What list of 2004 would be complete without the most infamous halftime show in all of sports history? Yeah, the game turned out to be a good one, but can you even name the team that the Patriots beat in 2004? Yet who among us could forget the biggest wardrobe malfunction this side of Z Cavaricci. After singing a tune with Justin Timberlake, hot of the heels of the lyrics, "Bet I'll have you naked by the end of this song," Janet Jackson's left boob made a special guest appearance on the Houston field, star-shaped metallic nipple shield and all. It caused such a hoopla, that the entire criteria for evaluating indecency on TV came under review by the FCC. Now that's a pretty powerful nipple.

9. The Bombing Continues -- Since this is a list of the top ten entertainment moments, I'm not talking about anything war-related here. I'm talking about our Boston Red Sox loving, J.Lo ass kissing (quite literally in the "Jenny From the Block" video), Jennifer Garner dating pal, Ben Affleck. The anticipated blockbuster turned ho-hummer, Daredevil, followed by the unbelievably bad Gigli, quickly followed by ok-but-still-not-fantastic Jersey Girl, and capped off by the box office snoozer Surviving Christmas. If Ben Affleck was a stock, he'd be Enron. Why does this guy still have a career? Is he really that good looking? That charismatic? How long before the statute of limitations wears out on his Good Will Hunting Oscar?

8. Goodbye Must See TV - Friends has bid a fond farewell, and with that tip of the hat, I bring you the Joey era. Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, does it? Add to that the horrendous decline of Will and Grace, and Must See TV on NBC has become an oxymoron. Speaking of Will and Grace, can you name another sitcom that has decayed as fast as this one? Will and Grace used to be laugh out loud funny. Now all of the characters are just caricatures of themselves. The show is about as enjoyable as watching my Dad lounge around at home during the summer with his shirt off. Good luck NBC on reviving this franchise. You're going to need it.

7. Olympics 2004 - Am I the only one who loves the Olympics like most fat kids love Aunt Jemima? Maybe so, but you can't deny that the Athens Olympics had some great moments. Like the USA Women's Softball team demolishing the competition to take the gold medal with ease. Or Michael Phelps setting Olympic records left and right, but still falling just short of his goal to top Mark Spitz's long standing total gold medals count. Or even the crappy USA Men's Basketball team losing the gold medal despite fielding a team of NBA all-stars. I gave up a couple weeks of sleep to catch the live coverage from Athens, and even though I can't name more than about 0.16% of the total winners, I still don't regret it. Long live the Games of the XXVIII Olympiad!

6. The Trials and Tribulations of Ashlee Simpson - Take one talentless sister of a well know ditz, make her "sing" live on national television, play the wrong lip-sync track on air, allow her to do a jig after said guffaw, add one dressing room meltdown, follow all of this up with a healthy dose of booing at the college football National Championship game (which actually happened in 2005, but only by 3 days, so i'm counting this among Ashlee's 2004 transgressions) and what do you have? Ashlee Nicole Simpson. It's not her fault that she's not talented, but it IS her fault that she insists on parading her talentless ass in front of us constantly. Ok, we get it. You're famous for no reason and you're having the time of your life. Enough already!

Yes, you may now catch your breath. Part II will be on its way shortly...

the year of the yao...

This past weekend I got to experience the magic that is Yao. Yes my friends, as part of the NAATA Asian American Film Festival (which concludes this weekend in San Jose), I saw the documentary, The Year of the Yao.

For those of you who may not know who Yao Ming is, he's the All-Star center for the Houston Rockets, first pick of the 2002 NBA Draft, and a native of Shanghai, China. Yao is the first foreign born player drafted #1, and this documentary shows the trials and tribulations of his transition to the U.S. and the NBA.

As an aside, I've always been fascinated with Yao's story. Heck, a friend and I even put together the Yao Minute website to pay homage to our hoops playing pal. I remember reading about Yao when he first declared for the draft. NBA scouts compared his "upside" as being the next Rik Smits. All I could think was, Rik Smits? Really? That's worth a #1 pick? Who's going #2? The next Joe Barry Carroll? Luckily Yao has exceeded these early expectations -- although for a 7'5" dude, he still only rebounds about as well as Emmanuel Lewis at a pickup game at the YMCA.

The film itself lightly touches upon the major plot points of Yao's journey while never quite delving into what makes Yao tick. We see that his early days in the NBA were difficult, mostly due to his inability to speak the language. However, all of the sudden Yao shines in the later part of his rookie year with the Rockets. How did he make the leap? Did his English improve so he could understand the coaches? Was it merely being a bigger part of the Rockets offense that got him working harder? Did his teammates get more comfortable with him and just pass it to him more? We never really know. He just got better, and now he's one of the game's greats. End of story.

Similarly, we hear about the weight that representing China as a hoops playing ambassador had on Yao's life. However, we don't get a window into how this affects Yao. Is it a burden? Is he a proud ambassador? Is he merely playing the role of the good soldier? Again, we never really know. It's a passing side plot and completely disposable -- kind of like cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch.

Instead of the story behind the story, we're just spoon-fed your basic coming to America success story puntuated by SportsCenter highlights of Yao's best and worst moments. The fact that NBA Entertainment played a large role in the making of this documentary probably has a lot to do with this. For them, all they see is a vehicle for pushing the game both here and internationally. Yao's backstory doesn't sell the NBA. Yao dunking over Shaq does. So that's what we see, which is fine if I'm watching NBA Inside Stuff at home on my couch, but I didn't feel as if I learned anything new about Yao after watching this documetary.

Despite my criticisms, I walked out of the movie theater entertained. The packaging of the movie was well done, and the clips were well put together to tell the story through the basketball highlights. However, as a doumentary, it had about as much substance as the "Donna Martin Graduates" episode of 90210. Still, on the Salinger Scale (where a party of five is the highest rating) I'm holding a reservation for Julia, Bailey, and Claudia. 3 Salingers for The Year of the Yao.

10 years ago...

Yesterday marked Yahoo!'s 10th birthday. For those of you who don't know, I currently work at the big Y!, so it was quite a momentous day. So momentous, in fact, Sugar Ray came out of their 90's time capsule to perform for us. Yes, that Sugar Ray. You know, the ones that just want to fly. It was actually a fun little bash, so kudos to you Mark McGrath for an entertaining little show. Yes that Mark McGrath, new host of TV's Extra.

Anyhow, the day's festivities got me thinking about my first experiences with the Internet. I think back to my very first email address back at UCLA. Back in 1995 we didn't get to choose an email addy, we were just assigned a random sequence of letters and numbers. My email addy? IZZY7OS@ucla.edu. Why do I remember that? Perhaps it's because my good ol' IZZY mail got taken away for improper use.

You see, with my first email address I only knew about 6 people I could actually write to. That was about the extent of it. And once you fired off these emails, people weren't in the habit of checking in daily, so there was generally some gaps in response time.

One day, I checked my mail and found that I had nothing to reply to. Instead of just logging out and leaving the computer lab, I decided to surf through the campus email directory. For some reason, it was ok to post everyone's names that signed up for a UCLA email account at that time, so you could surf through it and pick out people to send messages to. Sure, I could have looked for the names of my friends, but what would be the fun in that?

Instead I chose to email students who had the misfortune of sharing names with famous people. I usually stuck with popular actors' names from the world of TV, like Ted Danson, for instance. Most would respond with a laugh and an, "I get that all the time" type email. However, I distinctly remember emailing a kid named Henry Winkler and asking him what it felt like to be the Fonz. I followed that up something like, "Say 'hi' to Potsie and Ralph Malph when you see them. Ayyyyyyyy!" Apparently Mr. Winkler didn't find this funny since he reported me to the UCLA computer lab and had my account suspended. Can you believe that? Frickin' Fake Fonzie told on me. For someone who's mantra was "be cool," this guy certainly wasn't.

In the end I had to beg to have my account reinstated, and I never did email any more "celebrities" after that. So Fake Fonzie, here's to you buddy. I almost wish I could find you today so I could tell you "Hey, remember tattling on me 10 years ago? Well I work at Yahoo! now, bitch. I'm deactivating your Yahoo! Mail account so you can see what you put me through. Say 'hi' to Potsie and Ralph Malph for me... oh wait, you can't since I shut down your email. Ayyyyyyyyyy!"

a review of hitch, with one slight hitch

I've decided to review the movie Hitch for all of you faithful blog readers out there. Yes, all two of you. The hitch (get it? hitch? like the name of the movie? oh forget it...) -- I haven't actually seen the movie. I actually don't plan to. But I've seen the trailer a couple of times and the commercials seem to play non-stop. I've also seen Independence Day and countless Fresh Prince of Bel Air episodes, so I've seen more than enough Will Smith to make a blind judgement call on Hitch, right? Right. Here goes...

Hitch is your typical romantic comedy, with Will Smith playing the title character -- a smooth talking, debonair, man's man who can make any woman's heart melt with his words and actions. Hitch is so smooth he pimps out his advice to anyone with a blank check, and a lack of basic social skills.

Enter the dude from King of Queens, who plays, um... well some guy who's all awkward and clumsy and stuff. He's rich and he's in love with this gal, who looks an awful like model Amber Valleta. Of course outside of the confines of this movie, she would never give this goofball the time of day, but we suspend disbelief because hey, we paid 12 bucks for this movie so we kinda have to.

Hitch teaches King of Queens guy some smooth lines, some dance moves, and sends him on his way. I'm going to guess King of Queens and model gal end up dating, King of Queens guy makes a fool of himself, King of Queens guy figures he's blown it, model gal actually finds him endearing, King of Queens guy comes clean about Hitch, model gal says I like you for you, and they fall in love at the end. Awww... how sweet. And not at all predictable. No really, I never saw that coming.

In a "shocking" twist, Hitch meets the girl from 2 Fast 2 Furious and falls in love at first sight. However, like that one episode of Happy Days where Mork comes to earth and steals Fonzie's cool, Hitch becomes as cool-free as Steven Urkel. We laugh at Hitch's hijinks as he accidentally kicks 2 Fast 2 Furious girl in the head as they jet-ski. We continue the guffaws as Hitch eats something he's allergic to, and his head swells up like a balloon. Oh Hitch. You're not a mack, you're just a human being looking to be loved. And love is more than just a couple suave lines, it's about being yourself. The key message of this movie -- it doesn't matter what level of television royalty you're at. Fresh Prince or King of Queens, we're all just the same underneath.

A predictable tale with some heartwarming moments, Hitch is like a Big Mac. Good every once in a while, but not really a satisfying meal. On the Salinger scale, where a Party of Five is the highest rating, Hitch invites Bailey, Charlie, and half an Owen to dinner. 2.5 Salingers.

Again, I have never seen Hitch, but I defy you to tell me that I haven't nailed this movie right on the head.

hip-hop academy awards

The Los Angeles Times reports today that this year's Academy Awards broadcast, hosted by comedian Chris Rock, will be modified to "accommodate Rock's hip-hop-direct brand of comedy." In the spirit of helping out the Academy Awards, I have come up with five suggestions to help accomplish this feat:

1) Pimp my Oscar - Rapper Xzibit will grab a couple unsuspecting Academy Award winners and take their Oscar down to West Coast Customs for a hip-hop makeover. Tired of that same old golden award? Fret no longer. Wait until you see the latest in awards show bling -- a new platinum coating, diamonds where Oscar's eyes should be, spinners in the legs, and a 1.25" plasma TV set into his newly blinged out tummy. Imagine the look on Clint Eastwood's face when Xzibit tells him, "you've been pimped, playa!" I'd pay a fistful of dollars to see that.

2) Source Awards backstage action - Every other year or so, a big brawl seems to break out between some of rap's biggest artists, and their respective posses at the Source Awards. Why not extend this into the Academy Awards? What could be more hip-hop than a couple of folks settling their beef up front and personal. Imagine Jennifer Aniston running into Angelina Jolie backstage... are you telling me TV's Rachel Green wouldn't want a piece of the girl who supposedly ruined her marriage with Brad Pitt? This could be a better brawl than Vince McMahon could ever script. Even if Chris Rock wasn't the host, we should demand to see this kind of entertainment from our award shows. Send your petition to the Academy today.

3) Acceptizzle speeches - All award winners will have to speak like Snoop Dogg during their acceptance speech. No exceptions. Martin Scorsese, this means you too. "I like to thizzle the Academizzle for this awardizzle, y'all. To my wife, Julizzle, this awardizzle is for you, bitch. You my baby mama, fo' shizzle. To all you haters out there, don't hate the plizzaya, hate the gizzame! Peace out, yo. Oh, and thanks to Leonardo DiCaprizzle for his fine performance."

4) Apollo-style award winners - On It's Showtime at the Apollo, they had a segment on every show called "Amateur Night," where performers would get on the famed Apollo stage and sing their hearts out. The audience determined the winner, and those that didn't meet the cut got booed off the stage. Why not do this for the Oscars? Have the nominees come on stage and recite some lines from their Oscar-nominated performances and let the audience decide. If the audience wants Sideways to walk away with the Best Picture award, so be it. If they want to boo the hell out of Morgan Freeman (although if you do this, you're a cold, cold, unfeeling bastard), be my guest. This would be 100 times more exciting than any previous Academy Awards broadcast.

5) Oscars 360 - Narrow down the nominees in each category to two finalists (if possible, by using the Apollo "Amateur Night" technique above) and let these two go head to head in a dance-off. I heard Kate Winslet has a little junk in the trunk, but a proud Annette Benning wouldn't allow Winslet to walk away with the Oscar without first beating her pop-locking techniques honed through years of training with husband Warren Beatty. Think you can take 'em, Catalina Sandino Moreno? Gotta bring it harder than that tired old robot, sister.

what's in a name?

When I was a kid, I really wasn't fond of my name. It was a bit old fashioned and it stuck out like a sore thumb, sort of like my Dad at a Best Buy. All I wanted to do was be like everyone else. Couldn't I just be a Mike, Tom, Bill or Scott? As a kid, all you want to do is fit in with everyone else. The name Warren was a bit odd by comparison.

The biggest slap in the face? My name was never in those spinning displays with the mini-license plate souvenirs. Keychains that said "WARREN" on them? More rare than an Emmy nomination for Joey.

But as I got older, I started to see the advantages in having a name like mine. When people call out my name across a crowded room, I'm 96.4% sure that they're looking for me. I've seen many a Chris turn around eagerly upon hearing their name yelled out, only to turn away sheepishly when the realize that they weren't the intended target. To see the disappointment in their faces is sometimes sadder than the end of Old Yeller.

Also, while my name is relatively unique, most people have at least heard of it. So I usually don't have to keep saying my name over and over, hoping that someone will figure it out. None of this type of exchange -- "Hi, I'm Pacey." "I'm sorry, Casey?" "No, Pacey" "Oh. Well, nice to meet you Tracy" "No! Pacey!" And so on and so forth. For me one introduction, on rare occasions two, is enough.

Speaking of the name Pacey, why is it that the exchange above never happened on Dawson's Creek? That should have happened EVERY FRIGGIN' TIME Pacey met someone new. Come on? Pacey? And people just accepted it without questioning it, like it's the most common thing in the world? Give me a break. Then again, his best friend's name is Dawson, so I guess maybe in Capeside when some dude named Matt comes to town people are all confused. "I'm sorry, did you say Gratt?" "No, Matt" "What? Zratt?" Ok, I'm a bit off topic here. I apologize.

In the end, I've learned to come around and love my name. I'm a Warren, damn it, and I'm proud of it. I'm hoping to pass along the same type of name to my offspring now -- something people have heard of, but isn't the most commonly used name in the world. If you have any suggestions, please post them in the comments area. And please, don't suggest Zratt. That's so played out.

better late than never...

About three years ago, my mom bought a new car. Like many new cars, this one was equiped with On-Star -- you know, that service where you can push a button on your car and an operator can hop on an help you with directions, emergency assitance, or even place a call on your behalf? Well, I experienced that last option one day with an exchange that went something like this:

[Phone Rings]

Me: Hello?
Mom: Hi Warren.
Me: Oh, hey mom.
Mom: Guess where i'm calling from?
Me: Um...
Mom: I'm calling from my car!
Me: Oh, that's cool mom...
Mom: Warren, I'm calling from the car!
Me: Yeah, that's great mom...
Mom: Yeah, I can talk to you from my car now, that's where I'm calling you.
Me: So you're driving somewhere?
Mom: No I'm in the garage. Just wanted to see if I can call you from the car! Ok. Bye.
Me: Um... bye.

[Click... Dial tone]

Why do I share this story with you? Because my parents and technology are an interesting combo. It's not a bad thing. In fact, I find it quite endearing. But still, it's always a fun time when my parents try to adopt any "futuristic" new technology. Don't believe me? Check out this email that was sitting in my Inbox tonight:

Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2005 18:39:47 -0800 (PST)
From: "James Wan" <--------@yahoo.com>
Subject: to son

You know that Wendy teach me to set up a new E-Mail .
So please sent back an E-Mail to me that I can a chance to open it.
O K wish you have a good dinner and good nite

from Dad

Wow, just wait until my Dad discovers CDs, cable TV, and TiVo! I can't wait...