Sound Advice

I was watching MTV last night, and saw the following commercial:



Yes, it's Nehemiah and Johanna from the Real World: Austin counseling America's youth on career information. That would be great, if only either of the two actually had a career of their own. Instead, they are just doing Real World/Road Rules Challenges and otherwise hanging out and capitalizing on what little they have left of their 15 minutes of fame. Ah, the epitome of the MTV role model.

Marathon Sessions

One of the things that I love about Bravo, MTV, and VH1 are that they allow you to catch up on their shows by running a marathon of past episodes prior to airing a finale. It definitely helps to build an audience for the finale that may not otherwise tune in. It also allows viewers who have never seen one episode of a certain show to get hooked on a lazy weekend afternoon.

The one thing I hate about these marathons -- during the commercial breaks, they always show a teaser for the finale. I assume this is to let users know what day and time to tune in, but for folks who haven't seen the episodes leading up to the finale, these commercials are total spoilers. Hey look, it's the two finalists for Top Chef. Yay! But I'm only on episode 4, and now you've just ruined every other episode for me. Boo.

Can't these channels put a modified promo during marathons that just say "you're watching the marathon for America's Best Dance Crew, tune in for the finale on Thursday?" It would keep people happily watching the marathon AND get the date and time of the final episode in their minds. Seriously. Is this too much to ask?

welcome to the real world

The Real World, Season 473 has kicked off with a new cast set in Denver, Colorado. You know how I know it's in Colorado? Because they tell me so in the opening credits of every single episode. "The Real World. Denver, Colorado." Thanks kids. I thought for sure it was Denver, Mississippi, but nope. I got moded.

Some quick reasons why to watch this show:

• Constant bickering between very conservative and church-going, Steven, and his homosexual roommate Davis: Steven thinks homosexuality is 100% wrong. Davis, well, he is 100% gay. Somehow I don't think the math adds up here. Good luck, guys.
  
• Girl on girl make-out sessions in the Real World hot tub: Within hours of moving into the Denver house, roomies Jenn and Brooke make out (and not in a jokey sort of way, they really go to town). Another roommate, Tyrie, an ex-gangbanger from Omaha, Nebraska (yes, a Nebraska gang-banger) is driven mad by the whole experience, screaming, "Can I get in there? What? You won't let me have some?" As Ron Burgandy might say, stay classy, Denver.
  
• Alex, the object of all of the female castmates' desires: Alex, who seems oddly effeminate in a Lance Bass-two-years-ago kind of way, makes out and sleeps in the same bed as roommate Colie approximately 6 hours after arriving in Denver and then makes out with and has sex with hot tub make-out queen (and former Raiderette cheerleader) Jenn the next night. Even Lance Bass would get props for that.
  
• Weeping, weeping, and more weeping: In a 24-hour span, Jenn befriended and then betryed Colie, leading to a tear-filled apology, culminating in Jenn decreeing that she loved Colie's friendship so much that Colie would be one of her bridesmaids some day. Girls, let's give it, say 48 hours before you start making grandiose claims like that.
  

Keep in mind, this all happened in the first couple episodes. Look, I didn't think much would come from a show set in Denver, but my goodness, you kids exceeded all expectations. Now don't blow it, like the Austin cast did a couple years back.

On the Salinger scale, where a Party of Five is the highest rating, I give the Real World, Denver a solid Charlie, Bailey, Julia, and half a Claud...

3.5 Salingers

The Real World, Denver airs on MTV about 9,000 times each week

and the winner is... anyone who didn't watch this show

"I walk alone,
I walk alone..."
-- Green Day

And with those lyrics, the 2005 MTV Video Music Awards began. I didn't realize it at the time, but Green Day was on the money, walking alone as one of the few entertaining act in the whole show.

Hosted by Diddy -- who changed his name from P. Diddy a couple weeks ago, because he "felt like the 'P' was getting between [him] and [his] fans" -- the show was exactly what we've come to expect from the artist formerly known as Puff Daddy. That is to say over the top, ego-driven, and above all else, cheesier than Chester Cheetah. His opening monologue consisted of Diddy trying to rap and do some awkward herky-jerky dancing while Cirque Du Soliel dancers spun in the air, scantily clad women clapped their hands, guys dressed in white danced around him, and laser lights shot in the air. This might have stood a slight chance of being cool if only Diddy didn't do the EXACT SAME THING in past VMA shows. I'm not even kidding, go back and watch the tapes. A mirror image, right down to the Cirque Du Soliel dancers.

The show didn't get much better from there. The most telling indicator of a bad awards show -- I can't name even one of the award winners from the night. But as with any MTV awards show, who really cares? The VMAs are just an excuse to get celebrities together to party like it's 1999. MTV producers knew this, as they paired up presenters to see and be seen, forsaking any rhyme or reason. Ludacris and Lindsay Lohan! Jessica Alba and Dwyane Wade! Common and Johnny Knoxville! Jeremy Piven and Lil' Kim! The prompter reading was so hollow and awkward, I thought I was watching a State of the Union address by our dear President.

Cutaways to the crowd didn't help matters, as celebrities from Jay-Z to Beyonce to Alicia Keys looked so bored I thought My Left Foot was playing in the background. The only hope to salvage the show at this point was the musical acts, and unfortunately they didn't deliver. There were a couple of decent acts -- 50 Cent and Kanye West come to mind (although Jamie Foxx, stick to acting, will ya? And not that Stealth crap either...) -- but the bulk of the musical acts were lackluster.

Ludacris performed a faithful rendition of "Pimpin' All Over the World," but the fact remained that he was singing a song called "Pimpin' All Over the World." The Killers and Mariah Carey were next up, but they weren't even allowed to perform in the building. They had to do their thing outdoors at some nearby hotel, for what reason, I don't know. The Miami heat (the temperature, not the basketball team) was in full effect, as The Killers lead singer, Brandon Flowers, was dripping with sweat 27 seconds into "Mr. Brightside." Even worse, Mariah Carey's hair lost a battle with the Florida humidity, with her curly locks looking more strung out than Whitney Houston.

Diddy took the time to stomp all over the legacy of the Notorious B.I.G. yet again, using old footage of Biggie to try to tug at our heart strings. Wasn't the whole orchestra performance with Sting at the VMA's a few years ago enough? Can't you let poor Biggie rest in peace? It doesn't come off so much as a tribute, but rather a sad attempt by Diddy to pat himself on the back for being such a thoughtful dude for resurrecting his dead friend's memory at even a scant taste of the spotlight. A perfect example of P coming between him and his fans. I have no idea what that means, I just wanted to dredge up that quote again.

Fat Joe followed this display by introducing a patchwork quilt of reggaeton performances. I'm a fan of reggaeton music (which is basically Latin music mixed with hip hop and reggae), but one of the performances (by Don Omar... yeah, I know you've never heard of him) was so off-key it made me miss Roseanne Barr's rendition of the "Star Spangled Banner." Fat Joe finished up this celebration of the rich latin heritage of Miami in the most appropriate way possible -- by mocking 50 Cent and his G-Unit posse, causing the crowd to start yelling profanity at him. Muy bien, mi amigo. Muy bien.

Just when you didn't think the show could get any weirder, R. Kelly made his way on the stage to act out a new chapter in his 5-part "Trapped in the Closet" saga. For those of you who don't know what this is, it's basically a 20 minute hip-hop opera about R. Kelly cheating on his wife with a woman who is married to a pastor who happens to have a gay lover who introduced R. Kelly's own wife to a policeman who she ends up cheating with herself. Yeah, I'm glad I could clear that up for you. In any case, R. Kelly acts out a brand-new, never before seen chapter in which he plays the pastor, the pastor's wife, and the pastor's gay lover. R. Kelly wraps up the chapter by singing about the pastor kissing his gay lover, which caused R. Kelly to crack himself up at the thought. In a big twist, the pastor character suddenly becomes un-gay and goes back to his wife. Um... homophobia doesn't quite work with a dude who's singing a friggin' HIP-HOP OPERA. R. Kelly is the only person who can make Diddy's over the top antics look pedestrian by comparison.

The night was capped off by Kelly Clarkson performing "Since You Were Gone" while getting drenched with water. I was a little bummed out because this whole spectacle made me think of the Shakira performance earlier in the show. Oh, not because Shakira was particularly good or anything, but if I had to see someone from this show being drenched with water, she'd have to be atop that list. In the end, poor Kelly didn't quite pull of the dousing with poise. The stage got so slippery, she literally fell off. Oops.

And that was that. The 2005 MTV Video Music Awards ends not with a bang or a whimper, but with a wet American Idol falling on her ass. Kind of appropriate, don't you think?

reality bites

As you probably guessed by now, I'm a reality TV junkie. You slap that label on something, I'll probably watch it at least once, if not 20 times. A little nuts? Maybe. But let my disease be your guide to the mostly less than wonderful world of reality TV. Here's a quick rundown on what's worth watching and what you can skip in order to catch up on your reading. Ha ha, just kidding. I know no one actually reads books.

TiVo It

The Real World: Austin - After a season in Philadelphia that had the RW franchise on the ropes, the latest installment comes back strong, like Rocky Balboa on Ivan Drago. In the first episode alone we got a girl-on-girl hot tub kiss, a roomie who gets Ruthie-level drunk and starts a fight with another one of her roommates which indirectly leads to still another roommate getting his eye socket broken, a hottie roommate who insists on constantly walking around in her underwear, the reincarnation of Abe from Road Rules, and oh, remember the broken eye socket -- a remnant of a sucker punch from an anonymous stranger who apparently hates Real Worlders. This is all in the FIRST episode! After this brilliant hour of television, I was ready to put Austin in the Real World Hall of Fame, next to Las Vegas and Hawaii. Sadly, the excitement has gone down a bit since that inaugural viewing. But still, the grandaddy of reality TV is back, and for that reason alone is TiVo-worthy.

Being Bobby Brown - Look we all knew Bobby was a freak. After he recorded "Ain't Nobody Humpin' Around," the mystery was pretty much gone. The true star of this series is Mrs. Bobby Brown, aka Whitney Houston. I hate to compare her behavior to that of a crack whore, but that's only because it may be a slap in the face to all the drug addicted prostitutes out there. Like rubbernecking to watch a car accident on the side of the freeway, or a showing of Glitter on VH1, Being Bobby Brown has to be seen to be believed. Add the fact that Bobby actually has to be subtitled even though he's speaking English, and this has Season Pass written all over it.

30 Days - From Morgan Spurlock, the creator of the Academy Award nominated, Super Size Me, comes this weekly show on FX. The basic premise -- place someone in a situation completely out of their element for 30 days in order to see how they deal with it. Not only does the subject of each social experiment learn something, but the viewer does as well. Episodes featuring Spurlock and his fiancee living on minimum wage, a Christian man forced to live as a Muslim, and a man who takes steroids for 30 days to see if it would make him feel younger, really held my attention. Others, such as watching a mom binge drink to teach her college aged daughter a lesson, came out as flat as Scottie Pippen's nose. Despite this shortcoming, 30 Days is more hit than miss, and is truly one of the few reality shows that strives to push reality TV beyond mindless entertainment. For this reason it lands on my TiVo playlist.

Well, Still Better Than Reading Books

Hell's Kitchen - Take one part world-famous chef, a handful of chef wanna-be's, and a dash of insanity, and what do you have? No, not a cheese omelette. Fox's Hell's Kitchen. I honestly thought it was so over the top that I stopped watching after the first couple episodes, thinking that no one would ever subject themselves to such abuse from a master chef in order to be one themselves. However, after talking to a friend who has a brother who dealt with the same type of lunacy on his road to being an executive chef, I guess the premise isn't so far fetched afterall. The season is nearly done, but you still have a chance to catch some poor sap get a tongue lashing. And a cheeky British tongue lashing at that.

Rockstar: INXS - INXS lost lead singer Michael Hutchence to an apparent suicide back in 1997. Now that 8 years have passed, the best way to honor their former lead singer seems to be by holding a rock version of American Idol to find his replacement. Not bad, but very repetitive. I can't see enjoying this beyond a couple episodes. Plus all the contestants are in their 20's, while the band itself is on the cusp of Social Security. By the time they go on the road with the winner, 5/6ths of the new band will be able to withdraw cash from their Roth IRA with no tax penalty whatsoever. In the end, I don't know why they're bothering with this whole song and dance. Just grab Bo Bice and be done with it.

Avoid Like Corey Feldman's Career

Average Joe: The Joes Strike Back - Take a slightly above average looking girl and surround her with less than average looking guys. Sound familiar? Yeah, because they've tried this premise twice already. The new slant? Rejected dweebs get to come back after an extreme makeover to try and win the love of previously mentioned slightly above average looking girl. Not different enough to distinguish itself from the previous two installments, and let's face it, those two seasons both sucked anyway. Stay away.

Big Brother 6 - The latest Big Brother puts a bunch of strangers into a house that they cannot leave for about 2 months. The twist -- everyone secretly knows someone else in the house... ooooh! Except honestly, unless you're an idiot, couldn't you figure out that hey, if I have a secret pal in this house, everyone else probably does too? Apparently they can't. None of them. And they all spend their days "staying true" while "playing the game" whatever those statements mean. I'm not a fan. But then again, I'll probably watch this anyway if only to avoid Dan Brown and his literary cohorts.