welcome to the real world

The Real World, Season 473 has kicked off with a new cast set in Denver, Colorado. You know how I know it's in Colorado? Because they tell me so in the opening credits of every single episode. "The Real World. Denver, Colorado." Thanks kids. I thought for sure it was Denver, Mississippi, but nope. I got moded.

Some quick reasons why to watch this show:

• Constant bickering between very conservative and church-going, Steven, and his homosexual roommate Davis: Steven thinks homosexuality is 100% wrong. Davis, well, he is 100% gay. Somehow I don't think the math adds up here. Good luck, guys.
  
• Girl on girl make-out sessions in the Real World hot tub: Within hours of moving into the Denver house, roomies Jenn and Brooke make out (and not in a jokey sort of way, they really go to town). Another roommate, Tyrie, an ex-gangbanger from Omaha, Nebraska (yes, a Nebraska gang-banger) is driven mad by the whole experience, screaming, "Can I get in there? What? You won't let me have some?" As Ron Burgandy might say, stay classy, Denver.
  
• Alex, the object of all of the female castmates' desires: Alex, who seems oddly effeminate in a Lance Bass-two-years-ago kind of way, makes out and sleeps in the same bed as roommate Colie approximately 6 hours after arriving in Denver and then makes out with and has sex with hot tub make-out queen (and former Raiderette cheerleader) Jenn the next night. Even Lance Bass would get props for that.
  
• Weeping, weeping, and more weeping: In a 24-hour span, Jenn befriended and then betryed Colie, leading to a tear-filled apology, culminating in Jenn decreeing that she loved Colie's friendship so much that Colie would be one of her bridesmaids some day. Girls, let's give it, say 48 hours before you start making grandiose claims like that.
  

Keep in mind, this all happened in the first couple episodes. Look, I didn't think much would come from a show set in Denver, but my goodness, you kids exceeded all expectations. Now don't blow it, like the Austin cast did a couple years back.

On the Salinger scale, where a Party of Five is the highest rating, I give the Real World, Denver a solid Charlie, Bailey, Julia, and half a Claud...

3.5 Salingers

The Real World, Denver airs on MTV about 9,000 times each week

reality bites

As you probably guessed by now, I'm a reality TV junkie. You slap that label on something, I'll probably watch it at least once, if not 20 times. A little nuts? Maybe. But let my disease be your guide to the mostly less than wonderful world of reality TV. Here's a quick rundown on what's worth watching and what you can skip in order to catch up on your reading. Ha ha, just kidding. I know no one actually reads books.

TiVo It

The Real World: Austin - After a season in Philadelphia that had the RW franchise on the ropes, the latest installment comes back strong, like Rocky Balboa on Ivan Drago. In the first episode alone we got a girl-on-girl hot tub kiss, a roomie who gets Ruthie-level drunk and starts a fight with another one of her roommates which indirectly leads to still another roommate getting his eye socket broken, a hottie roommate who insists on constantly walking around in her underwear, the reincarnation of Abe from Road Rules, and oh, remember the broken eye socket -- a remnant of a sucker punch from an anonymous stranger who apparently hates Real Worlders. This is all in the FIRST episode! After this brilliant hour of television, I was ready to put Austin in the Real World Hall of Fame, next to Las Vegas and Hawaii. Sadly, the excitement has gone down a bit since that inaugural viewing. But still, the grandaddy of reality TV is back, and for that reason alone is TiVo-worthy.

Being Bobby Brown - Look we all knew Bobby was a freak. After he recorded "Ain't Nobody Humpin' Around," the mystery was pretty much gone. The true star of this series is Mrs. Bobby Brown, aka Whitney Houston. I hate to compare her behavior to that of a crack whore, but that's only because it may be a slap in the face to all the drug addicted prostitutes out there. Like rubbernecking to watch a car accident on the side of the freeway, or a showing of Glitter on VH1, Being Bobby Brown has to be seen to be believed. Add the fact that Bobby actually has to be subtitled even though he's speaking English, and this has Season Pass written all over it.

30 Days - From Morgan Spurlock, the creator of the Academy Award nominated, Super Size Me, comes this weekly show on FX. The basic premise -- place someone in a situation completely out of their element for 30 days in order to see how they deal with it. Not only does the subject of each social experiment learn something, but the viewer does as well. Episodes featuring Spurlock and his fiancee living on minimum wage, a Christian man forced to live as a Muslim, and a man who takes steroids for 30 days to see if it would make him feel younger, really held my attention. Others, such as watching a mom binge drink to teach her college aged daughter a lesson, came out as flat as Scottie Pippen's nose. Despite this shortcoming, 30 Days is more hit than miss, and is truly one of the few reality shows that strives to push reality TV beyond mindless entertainment. For this reason it lands on my TiVo playlist.

Well, Still Better Than Reading Books

Hell's Kitchen - Take one part world-famous chef, a handful of chef wanna-be's, and a dash of insanity, and what do you have? No, not a cheese omelette. Fox's Hell's Kitchen. I honestly thought it was so over the top that I stopped watching after the first couple episodes, thinking that no one would ever subject themselves to such abuse from a master chef in order to be one themselves. However, after talking to a friend who has a brother who dealt with the same type of lunacy on his road to being an executive chef, I guess the premise isn't so far fetched afterall. The season is nearly done, but you still have a chance to catch some poor sap get a tongue lashing. And a cheeky British tongue lashing at that.

Rockstar: INXS - INXS lost lead singer Michael Hutchence to an apparent suicide back in 1997. Now that 8 years have passed, the best way to honor their former lead singer seems to be by holding a rock version of American Idol to find his replacement. Not bad, but very repetitive. I can't see enjoying this beyond a couple episodes. Plus all the contestants are in their 20's, while the band itself is on the cusp of Social Security. By the time they go on the road with the winner, 5/6ths of the new band will be able to withdraw cash from their Roth IRA with no tax penalty whatsoever. In the end, I don't know why they're bothering with this whole song and dance. Just grab Bo Bice and be done with it.

Avoid Like Corey Feldman's Career

Average Joe: The Joes Strike Back - Take a slightly above average looking girl and surround her with less than average looking guys. Sound familiar? Yeah, because they've tried this premise twice already. The new slant? Rejected dweebs get to come back after an extreme makeover to try and win the love of previously mentioned slightly above average looking girl. Not different enough to distinguish itself from the previous two installments, and let's face it, those two seasons both sucked anyway. Stay away.

Big Brother 6 - The latest Big Brother puts a bunch of strangers into a house that they cannot leave for about 2 months. The twist -- everyone secretly knows someone else in the house... ooooh! Except honestly, unless you're an idiot, couldn't you figure out that hey, if I have a secret pal in this house, everyone else probably does too? Apparently they can't. None of them. And they all spend their days "staying true" while "playing the game" whatever those statements mean. I'm not a fan. But then again, I'll probably watch this anyway if only to avoid Dan Brown and his literary cohorts.

tv review: hit me baby one more time

Hit Me Baby One More Time is another summer season show which brings five one-hit wonder bands together for, well... the chance to humiliate themselves one last time in front of a live audience. Just a sampling of amazing talent that has been gathered thus far -- Vanilla Ice, Tiffany, Loverboy, Arrested Development, Flock of Seagulls, and Haddaway. It's like watching an Emmy Awards telecast that for some reason could only celebrate achievements from the television show, Small Wonder (and best actress pretending to be a robot goes to... surprise, surprise, that little girl who plays Vicki the robot!) -- not entirely satisfying, but yet mesmerizing in a weird way.

Each performer gets to hop on stage twice per show -- once to sing the song they were most famous for, the second time to cover a song that's currently tearing up the charts. The first performance is definitely the lesser of the two. It's a bit sad seeing all of the artists strain to try and sing the songs they recorded 15-20 years ago. Many did not fare well, as time has done a Boston Rob from Survivor on their vocal chords, and betrayed them at every turn.

The second song is where it gets interesting. Some, like Haddaway, try to do a faithful rendition of a current song (in this case, Britney's "Toxic") and fail so miserably that it's a distinct pleasure to watch. Others, like Arrested Development, take a song and reinvent it to fit their group's style. AD's version of "Heaven" actually comes out better than the original, which makes you wonder, what the hell happened to our love for them? Did we just decide after "Mr. Wendell" played for the 1,232 time that we'd turn our backs on these folks? Weird.

The one performance that confused me the most was Vanilla Ice covering Destiny's Child's "Survivor." The performance itself was pretty straightforward, but the lax rules around what qualifies as a cover disappointed me. The only word that the two songs had in common was "survivor." That's it. The beat? Totally different. The chorus? Not even close. The verses? Please. Call me old fashioned, but when you cover a song, it's gotta share at least a faint resemblance to the song. I'm not asking for a Mary Kate and Ashley type resemblance, but at least give me Alec and Steven Baldwin. Is that too much to ask?

In any case, Hit Me Baby One More Time is definitely a trip down memory lane. An exciting and amazing trip? Well, no. But there's some solid moments. Enough to allow me to reserve a party of two and a half for HMBOMT. 2.5 Salingers on the Salinger scale, where a Party of Five is the highest rating. There's been two episode aired on NBC so far, and the third one tonight is supposedly the last one of the summer. Don't worry, however, you can still catch reruns of any of these shows on NBC's cable station, Bravo. Word to your mutha (as Vanilla would say).

more proof that i know absolutely nothing

The latest Nielsen ratings are in, and Dancing with the Stars pulled in huge summer numbers, the only original summer program to crack the Top Ten:

1. CSI, CBS, 14.2 million viewers
2. Dancing with the Stars, ABC, 13.5 million viewers
3. CSI: Miami, CBS, 13.1 million viewers
4. Without a Trace, CBS, 12.6 million viewers
5. Two and a Half Men, CBS, 12.1 million viewers
6. Everybody Loves Raymond, CBS, 11.2 million viewers
7. 48 Hours Mystery, CBS, 10.7 million viewers
8. NCIS, CBS, 10.4 million viewers
9. 60 Minutes, CBS, 10.3 million viewers
10. Law & Order: Criminal Intent, NBC, 10 million viewers

Perhaps my mom was right afterall. A new blog entry coming soon...

summer viewing...

Ah, feel the warmth of the air. The hot afternoon sun burns long into the evening, as the ice cubes in your lemonade clink sharply against the cool glass tumbler in your hand. All of this can only mean one thing -- the summer television season has decended upon us.

Yes, now that Lost, Desperate Housewives, Scrubs, and The O.C. have entered summer hiatus, a whole slate of new shows have jumped in to take their place. Two in particular debuted on Wednesday night -- Dancing with the Stars and Beauty and the Geek. Of course, it is my duty to watch them both, not for my own enjoyment, but for yours. Yes, I know. It's very noble of me.

Dancing with the Stars combines elements of American Idol, Dirty Dancing, and The Surreal Life to create a reality stew of sorts. The basic premise -- teach a group of "stars" a series of dances over a period of just a few weeks, have them face off against each other in a dance showdown, and have these dances judged by a panel of three "experts" who rate their moves and stage presence, ala Simon Cowell and friends.

The "stars" that the show's title refers to? Julia Roberts? Tom Cruise? Will Smith? Um, no. Try former model Rachel Hunter, the dude who played J. Peterman on Seinfeld, one of the New Kids on the Block, and some chick from General Hospital. I think the show should have been called Dancing with Some Dudes and Chicks You May Have Seen on TV Once or Twice Before, So Maybe One or Two of Them Will Look Vaguely Familiar to You. Ok, so that title is a bit long, but at least it's accurate. The current title is blatant false advertising. It's worse than those "buy real estate with no money down and make millions doing it" infomercials.

The first time I saw promos for this show, I started thinking to myself "Who the hell is this show targetted at? This is the dumbest premise I've ever heard of." Of course, before I could even finish that thought, my mom exclaimed, "Oh good! This show looks like fun, when is it on?" That's when it hit me. My mom is insane. But then I thought a bit more about it and realized that According to Jim and Two and a Half Men are two of the highest rated shows on TV. That makes no logical sense either, but yet it's true. So perhaps my mom is just in that demographic of folks that just crave good ol' fashioned brainless entertainment. If that's the case, more power to Dancing with the Stars, I suppose. My only hope is that they spice it up in episode two by having Joey McIntyre trash talk everyone, prompting J. Peterman to scream, "no one puts Evander Holyfield in the corner," as he lifts Evander high in the air while "I Had the Time of My Life" plays in the background.

The other new summer show is Beauty and the Geek on the WB -- Ashton Kucher's "social experiment" television show. The show pairs 7 geeks (many are full fledged Mensa members) with 7 beauties (mostly blonde ditzes with bubbly personalities) into Can't Buy Me Love-style 2 person teams. The goal of each team, have the "geek" teach the "beauty" about history, spelling, math, and all things intellectual, while they in turn learn how to be cool. The team that makes the greatest change wins $250,000 each.

I expected to hate this show to be honest, I mean it IS an Ashton Kucher production, but it's actually pretty entertaining. Of course, no show like this would be complete without your usual contrived characters -- the 30 year old virgin, the uber-nerd, the ultimate blonde ditz -- but just like Can't Buy Me Love, some of the beauties actually start falling for the geeks that they originally mocked. The geeks and beauties alike start pulling for their teammates to succeed, rather than playing only for the sake of winning the money. It's heart warming in a "Coral hating the Miz and calling him a racist but then making the complete 180 by the end of the show to become his best friend in the next 400 Real World/Road Rules Challenges" kind of way. I'll keep an eye on this show throughout the summer to see if it lives up to the premise, but I would say it's worth watching if you're a reality show junkie like I am.

Overall scores on the Salinger Scale, where a Party of Five is the highest rating -- Dancing with the Stars gets 1 Salinger (and not even a good one like Bailey, I'd only give it a Claudia) for anyone in my general peer group. If you're my mom's age, or perhaps a real big fan of cheesy dancing, it would probably land about 2.5 Salingers. As for Beauty and the Geek, I'd say Charlie, Bailey, Julia, and half an Owen would be invited to the table. A Party of Three and a Half (3.5 Salingers) for all my nerds and hotties. Holla.

tv review: dance 360, upn, every weekday

I realize that my last post references a show that you may or may not be aware of. If you're not, you are really missing out on one of the most strangely entertaining shows on television. Dance 360 is a show that has a very simple premise -- be the last man standing in a hip-hop dance-off.

Hosted by Kel Mitchell (formerly of Nickelodeon's "All That" and "Keenan and Kel") Fredro Starr (formerly of the rap group Onyx), and DJ K-Sly (formerly of, um... well not everyone has something interesting to put in these parenthetical asides), Dance 360 unites some of the finest b-boys, hip hop dancers and booty shakers in all the land, and pits them against each other in three rounds of fleet-footed showdowns.

The show begins with the hosts choosing six kids from an audience of about a hundred, who then get a couple seconds to show off some of their best moves. After each have had the chance to dance and size each other up, the beat drops, and one person is chosen to shake their thang solo. After they bust a move, they are instructed by the audience to "tag your man! tag your man! tag your man!" which means that they get to point at someone who they will do battle with on the dance floor. This chosen competitor also gets to dance solo for about 15 seconds before the crowd begins to chant "head to head! head to head! head to head!" At this point, they've both been served, and let's face it. It's on. The two dance against each other, whipping the crowd into a frenzy before finally crowning a first-round winner via the audience's cheers. This continues until three competitors are chosen for Round 2.

Round 2 is something like a hip-hop stump the band, where members of the audience get to show off a move that the competitors must then mimic. This could range from a complicated acrobatic spin to an out of control booty shake -- the choice is up to the audience member's whim and fancy. The competitors are then judged on how closely they master the move, and the top two move on to Round 3.

Round 3 is basically Round 1, Barry Bonds style -- ie. crazy juiced up on steroids. The two remaining competitors each get a solo performance before one last "head to head!" showdown where the last man standing wins the grand prize. And what are the riches that these kids are competing for? Cars? Furs? Jewels? Well, close. 360 bucks. Yes. That's right. $360, or just about 1/2,500,000th of what Jeopardy kingpin Ken Jennings made on his TV game show. But in the end, it ain't about the money, it's about the glory. The glory of what? I'm not really sure to be honest. In the end, who cares, so long as I get my daily dose of "tag your man! head to head!" craziness.

On the Salinger Scale (where a Party of Five is the highest rating), Dance 360 gets a table for four during the first couple viewings, then as the novelty wears off, settles in at about 3 Salingers.