and the oscar goes to...

Ah, Oscar night. There's really nothing like it, is there? Well, except for Emmy night, Golden Globe night, and Grammy night, I guess, but I digress. In any case, here's to the moments that stood out (to me anyhow) from the 79th Annual Academy Awards:

• Most Truthful Opening Monologue Line - Ellen DeGeneres stating, "It's not that we don't have time for long speeches, we just don't have time for boring speeches." Amen, sister. Amen. Spice it up, people!
• Most Tiresome Awards Show Act - Jack Black singing yet another over the top comedic rock tune. Ok, I get it, dude. I get it. Please stop.
• Oddest Hairdo - Will Ferrell, who showed up looking like Sideshow Bob. I really hope it's for a movie, and not just something he thought would look stellar on Oscar night.
• Most Strangely Buff Presenter - Jessica Biel. She used to be hot, but now she just frightens me.
• Worst Commercial - Some sort of birth control-related ad directing me to fewerperiods.com. Um, thanks but no thanks.
• Funniest Presenter - Jerry Seinfeld with his schtick on not having to clean up after yourself in a movie theater. I miss you, Jerry. Come back, won't you?
• Saddest Songstress - Beyonce Knowles, who desperately tried to out-sing her Dreamgirls co-star, Jennifer Hudson, but ended up getting upstaged instead.
• Lamest Oscar Acceptance Speech Ritual - Not letting the second member of a winning team say even a single word before getting played off by the orchestra. Come on, let that second Oscar winner thank their mom at least, won't you?
• Best Oscar Winner That I've Actually Had Dinner With - Ruby Yang, who won her Academy Award for Best Documentary Short Subject. She's the aunt of my Aussie pal, Natalie Yan. Congrats!
• Most Interesting Shadow Dancing Troupe Creation - I'm not sure why this was a part of the show, but if I had to choose one, I guess I'd pick the 007 gun. I guess.
• Oscar-Nominee Most "Moded" By Ellen - "Marky" Mark Wahlberg. During a comedic bit meant for Martin Scorsese, Ellen made some small talk with Mark Wahlberg, but had to cut him off when he refused to stop talking, and just walked past him. Ouch, Marky Mark. You got moded (for those of you not steeped in 80's schoolyard lingo, here's a definition).
• Most "Moded" Award, First-Runner Up - Clint Eastwood's wife, who's photo taking skills got dissed for Steven Spielberg.
• Dead Person With the Most Applause - Jack Palance. Robert Altman gave him a run at the end, but Jack pulled off the win, capped off by some one-armed push-ups in heaven.
• Most Questionable Ending - Jack Nicholson reading off The Departed as Best Picture winner. Isn't he a bit too biased to be presenting that award? What if The Departed wasn't even written on that card, and Jack just threw it out there? Would they stop the awards show, taser Jack, and read off the real winner instead, or just let The Departed win to save face? Makes you wonder...

What did you think? Did I miss any of your favorite moments?

hip-hop academy awards

The Los Angeles Times reports today that this year's Academy Awards broadcast, hosted by comedian Chris Rock, will be modified to "accommodate Rock's hip-hop-direct brand of comedy." In the spirit of helping out the Academy Awards, I have come up with five suggestions to help accomplish this feat:

1) Pimp my Oscar - Rapper Xzibit will grab a couple unsuspecting Academy Award winners and take their Oscar down to West Coast Customs for a hip-hop makeover. Tired of that same old golden award? Fret no longer. Wait until you see the latest in awards show bling -- a new platinum coating, diamonds where Oscar's eyes should be, spinners in the legs, and a 1.25" plasma TV set into his newly blinged out tummy. Imagine the look on Clint Eastwood's face when Xzibit tells him, "you've been pimped, playa!" I'd pay a fistful of dollars to see that.

2) Source Awards backstage action - Every other year or so, a big brawl seems to break out between some of rap's biggest artists, and their respective posses at the Source Awards. Why not extend this into the Academy Awards? What could be more hip-hop than a couple of folks settling their beef up front and personal. Imagine Jennifer Aniston running into Angelina Jolie backstage... are you telling me TV's Rachel Green wouldn't want a piece of the girl who supposedly ruined her marriage with Brad Pitt? This could be a better brawl than Vince McMahon could ever script. Even if Chris Rock wasn't the host, we should demand to see this kind of entertainment from our award shows. Send your petition to the Academy today.

3) Acceptizzle speeches - All award winners will have to speak like Snoop Dogg during their acceptance speech. No exceptions. Martin Scorsese, this means you too. "I like to thizzle the Academizzle for this awardizzle, y'all. To my wife, Julizzle, this awardizzle is for you, bitch. You my baby mama, fo' shizzle. To all you haters out there, don't hate the plizzaya, hate the gizzame! Peace out, yo. Oh, and thanks to Leonardo DiCaprizzle for his fine performance."

4) Apollo-style award winners - On It's Showtime at the Apollo, they had a segment on every show called "Amateur Night," where performers would get on the famed Apollo stage and sing their hearts out. The audience determined the winner, and those that didn't meet the cut got booed off the stage. Why not do this for the Oscars? Have the nominees come on stage and recite some lines from their Oscar-nominated performances and let the audience decide. If the audience wants Sideways to walk away with the Best Picture award, so be it. If they want to boo the hell out of Morgan Freeman (although if you do this, you're a cold, cold, unfeeling bastard), be my guest. This would be 100 times more exciting than any previous Academy Awards broadcast.

5) Oscars 360 - Narrow down the nominees in each category to two finalists (if possible, by using the Apollo "Amateur Night" technique above) and let these two go head to head in a dance-off. I heard Kate Winslet has a little junk in the trunk, but a proud Annette Benning wouldn't allow Winslet to walk away with the Oscar without first beating her pop-locking techniques honed through years of training with husband Warren Beatty. Think you can take 'em, Catalina Sandino Moreno? Gotta bring it harder than that tired old robot, sister.