a review of hitch, with one slight hitch

I've decided to review the movie Hitch for all of you faithful blog readers out there. Yes, all two of you. The hitch (get it? hitch? like the name of the movie? oh forget it...) -- I haven't actually seen the movie. I actually don't plan to. But I've seen the trailer a couple of times and the commercials seem to play non-stop. I've also seen Independence Day and countless Fresh Prince of Bel Air episodes, so I've seen more than enough Will Smith to make a blind judgement call on Hitch, right? Right. Here goes...

Hitch is your typical romantic comedy, with Will Smith playing the title character -- a smooth talking, debonair, man's man who can make any woman's heart melt with his words and actions. Hitch is so smooth he pimps out his advice to anyone with a blank check, and a lack of basic social skills.

Enter the dude from King of Queens, who plays, um... well some guy who's all awkward and clumsy and stuff. He's rich and he's in love with this gal, who looks an awful like model Amber Valleta. Of course outside of the confines of this movie, she would never give this goofball the time of day, but we suspend disbelief because hey, we paid 12 bucks for this movie so we kinda have to.

Hitch teaches King of Queens guy some smooth lines, some dance moves, and sends him on his way. I'm going to guess King of Queens and model gal end up dating, King of Queens guy makes a fool of himself, King of Queens guy figures he's blown it, model gal actually finds him endearing, King of Queens guy comes clean about Hitch, model gal says I like you for you, and they fall in love at the end. Awww... how sweet. And not at all predictable. No really, I never saw that coming.

In a "shocking" twist, Hitch meets the girl from 2 Fast 2 Furious and falls in love at first sight. However, like that one episode of Happy Days where Mork comes to earth and steals Fonzie's cool, Hitch becomes as cool-free as Steven Urkel. We laugh at Hitch's hijinks as he accidentally kicks 2 Fast 2 Furious girl in the head as they jet-ski. We continue the guffaws as Hitch eats something he's allergic to, and his head swells up like a balloon. Oh Hitch. You're not a mack, you're just a human being looking to be loved. And love is more than just a couple suave lines, it's about being yourself. The key message of this movie -- it doesn't matter what level of television royalty you're at. Fresh Prince or King of Queens, we're all just the same underneath.

A predictable tale with some heartwarming moments, Hitch is like a Big Mac. Good every once in a while, but not really a satisfying meal. On the Salinger scale, where a Party of Five is the highest rating, Hitch invites Bailey, Charlie, and half an Owen to dinner. 2.5 Salingers.

Again, I have never seen Hitch, but I defy you to tell me that I haven't nailed this movie right on the head.

hip-hop academy awards

The Los Angeles Times reports today that this year's Academy Awards broadcast, hosted by comedian Chris Rock, will be modified to "accommodate Rock's hip-hop-direct brand of comedy." In the spirit of helping out the Academy Awards, I have come up with five suggestions to help accomplish this feat:

1) Pimp my Oscar - Rapper Xzibit will grab a couple unsuspecting Academy Award winners and take their Oscar down to West Coast Customs for a hip-hop makeover. Tired of that same old golden award? Fret no longer. Wait until you see the latest in awards show bling -- a new platinum coating, diamonds where Oscar's eyes should be, spinners in the legs, and a 1.25" plasma TV set into his newly blinged out tummy. Imagine the look on Clint Eastwood's face when Xzibit tells him, "you've been pimped, playa!" I'd pay a fistful of dollars to see that.

2) Source Awards backstage action - Every other year or so, a big brawl seems to break out between some of rap's biggest artists, and their respective posses at the Source Awards. Why not extend this into the Academy Awards? What could be more hip-hop than a couple of folks settling their beef up front and personal. Imagine Jennifer Aniston running into Angelina Jolie backstage... are you telling me TV's Rachel Green wouldn't want a piece of the girl who supposedly ruined her marriage with Brad Pitt? This could be a better brawl than Vince McMahon could ever script. Even if Chris Rock wasn't the host, we should demand to see this kind of entertainment from our award shows. Send your petition to the Academy today.

3) Acceptizzle speeches - All award winners will have to speak like Snoop Dogg during their acceptance speech. No exceptions. Martin Scorsese, this means you too. "I like to thizzle the Academizzle for this awardizzle, y'all. To my wife, Julizzle, this awardizzle is for you, bitch. You my baby mama, fo' shizzle. To all you haters out there, don't hate the plizzaya, hate the gizzame! Peace out, yo. Oh, and thanks to Leonardo DiCaprizzle for his fine performance."

4) Apollo-style award winners - On It's Showtime at the Apollo, they had a segment on every show called "Amateur Night," where performers would get on the famed Apollo stage and sing their hearts out. The audience determined the winner, and those that didn't meet the cut got booed off the stage. Why not do this for the Oscars? Have the nominees come on stage and recite some lines from their Oscar-nominated performances and let the audience decide. If the audience wants Sideways to walk away with the Best Picture award, so be it. If they want to boo the hell out of Morgan Freeman (although if you do this, you're a cold, cold, unfeeling bastard), be my guest. This would be 100 times more exciting than any previous Academy Awards broadcast.

5) Oscars 360 - Narrow down the nominees in each category to two finalists (if possible, by using the Apollo "Amateur Night" technique above) and let these two go head to head in a dance-off. I heard Kate Winslet has a little junk in the trunk, but a proud Annette Benning wouldn't allow Winslet to walk away with the Oscar without first beating her pop-locking techniques honed through years of training with husband Warren Beatty. Think you can take 'em, Catalina Sandino Moreno? Gotta bring it harder than that tired old robot, sister.

what's in a name?

When I was a kid, I really wasn't fond of my name. It was a bit old fashioned and it stuck out like a sore thumb, sort of like my Dad at a Best Buy. All I wanted to do was be like everyone else. Couldn't I just be a Mike, Tom, Bill or Scott? As a kid, all you want to do is fit in with everyone else. The name Warren was a bit odd by comparison.

The biggest slap in the face? My name was never in those spinning displays with the mini-license plate souvenirs. Keychains that said "WARREN" on them? More rare than an Emmy nomination for Joey.

But as I got older, I started to see the advantages in having a name like mine. When people call out my name across a crowded room, I'm 96.4% sure that they're looking for me. I've seen many a Chris turn around eagerly upon hearing their name yelled out, only to turn away sheepishly when the realize that they weren't the intended target. To see the disappointment in their faces is sometimes sadder than the end of Old Yeller.

Also, while my name is relatively unique, most people have at least heard of it. So I usually don't have to keep saying my name over and over, hoping that someone will figure it out. None of this type of exchange -- "Hi, I'm Pacey." "I'm sorry, Casey?" "No, Pacey" "Oh. Well, nice to meet you Tracy" "No! Pacey!" And so on and so forth. For me one introduction, on rare occasions two, is enough.

Speaking of the name Pacey, why is it that the exchange above never happened on Dawson's Creek? That should have happened EVERY FRIGGIN' TIME Pacey met someone new. Come on? Pacey? And people just accepted it without questioning it, like it's the most common thing in the world? Give me a break. Then again, his best friend's name is Dawson, so I guess maybe in Capeside when some dude named Matt comes to town people are all confused. "I'm sorry, did you say Gratt?" "No, Matt" "What? Zratt?" Ok, I'm a bit off topic here. I apologize.

In the end, I've learned to come around and love my name. I'm a Warren, damn it, and I'm proud of it. I'm hoping to pass along the same type of name to my offspring now -- something people have heard of, but isn't the most commonly used name in the world. If you have any suggestions, please post them in the comments area. And please, don't suggest Zratt. That's so played out.