jeff garcia? really?

NFL quarterback, Jeff Garcia (formerly of the 49ers, Browns, Lions, and Eagles), just got engaged to marry Carmella DeCesare, the 2004 Playboy Playmate of the Year. Yes, this is the same Jeff Garcia who sparked this response from Terrell Owens in a Playboy interview back in 2004:

PLAYBOY: Former 49er and current Cleveland Browns quarterback Jeff Garcia, with whom you played for years, has denied media rumors that he's gay. What do you think?

OWENS: Like my boy tells me: If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat.

Not that Owens should be taken as an authority on much of anything, but what to make of this marriage if he's even vaguely correct? Maybe it's an elaborate Can't Buy Me Love-type setup, with Garcia in the Patrick Dempsey role. He probably told Carmella that he'd buy her a white leather jacket to replace the one she stole from her mom and ruined, but only if she'd pretend to be his wife to dispel any lasting rumors about his sexual orientation (not that there's anything wrong with that... as the Seinfeld crew might say).

In any case, look for Jeff and Carmella to cruise into the sunset on a riding lawnmower very soon.

Just to recap... this guy:



Somehow landed this girl:



Even though he also takes photos like this:



But his mom likes it, so he's got that going for him... which is nice:

sanjaya makes the ladies weep

So I'm watching American Idol (TiVo delayed, of course -- the only way this bloated show is vaguely watchable), and I was about to fast forward through Sanjaya Malakar's performance when I noticed a girl in the crowd that was literally brought to tears by his singing.

If you've watched Idol at all this season, you know first-hand how non-tear-invoking Sanjaya should be. He's a wispy Indian kid with a weak voice and an effeminate stage presence. But I guess that hits a very special spot for some people.

In the little girl's defense, she was only like 10 or 11, so theoretically My Little Pony could bring her to tears as well.

Just to recap... this guy:



Made a little girl do this:

the answer: knocked up

The Question: What is the funniest movie of 2007?

A bold prediction? Maybe. But I could not stop laughing during the last Judd Apatow flick, The 40 Year-Old Virgin, and from the looks of the trailer, Knocked Up makes its comedic older brother proud.

The cast itself includes some carryovers from The 40-Year-Old Virgin, starring Seth Rogen as a portly, yet fun-loving dude who gets Grey's Anatomy's Katherine Heigl preggers after a one-night stand.

Granted, the movie will definitely be a bit vulgar. But, like The 40-Year-Virgin, I expect Knocked Up will balance some truly touching and genuine moments with its outright potty humor. In any case, my description of the premise doesn't do the trailer justice... you'll have to watch for yourself. Thank goodness for YouTube. And be forewarned, this is the R-rated version of the trailer so slap on your headphones if you're at work.

the house party continues

My pal John had an interesting gig this past weekend. He got to be the photographer on the set of Kid's new music video. Who's Kid? Come on, playa. Kid, from Kid 'N Play, yo!

What, you ask? He still makes music? Yeah, I said the same thing. And apparently, the answer is "hell yeah, biyatch!"

Let's take a time out to remember the greatness of Kid N' Play, shall we? Ah, the memories.

really bad ad...

Now, I've seen my share of bad ads, but this one is a bit baffling to me. What's with the choice of image here? Why is DJ Tanner from Full House advertising for a mortgage broker? And why is she standing like VICI the robot from that Small Wonder TV show? And what do robots have to do with refinancing a mortgage anyhow? Very odd.

golf and life

When I was first introduced to the game of golf, I was intrigued. It seemed so simple on the surface -- just swing a club, knock a ball into a hole. No problem. Then I started to play a bit more, and I found out that golf was actually quite frustrating. Lots of mis-swings and errant shots careening all over the course, but just when things seem terrible, you'll hit a miracle shot that re-ignites your passion for the game.

There was a time when I was really into golf, playing almost every weekend, focusing on improving my game. Then after being in a groove for a while, the wheels just started to come off. Golf got repetitve, my game wasn't growing, I was no longer able to keep my focus during the long rounds, and the miracle shots were fewer and further between. I basically decided not to play anymore. It just wasn't worth the money and the trouble to keep hacking away.

Why do I tell you this? Well, because golf is like relationships. This is what I realized. Sure, it seems like an enjoyable endeavor on paper, but once you actually get in the game, it's really more frustrating than you can ever imagine. Miracle shots keep you coming back, and you practice to refine your swing and keep the game interesting, but a couple bad rounds can really sour you on the whole experience.

But like relationships, I know one day I'll be back swinging away. As a guy, it's just one of those things that you can't avoid. And who knows, maybe I'm no Tiger Woods, but hopefully I'll be able to love the game enough to keep playing until I'm old and gray.

and the oscar goes to...

Ah, Oscar night. There's really nothing like it, is there? Well, except for Emmy night, Golden Globe night, and Grammy night, I guess, but I digress. In any case, here's to the moments that stood out (to me anyhow) from the 79th Annual Academy Awards:

• Most Truthful Opening Monologue Line - Ellen DeGeneres stating, "It's not that we don't have time for long speeches, we just don't have time for boring speeches." Amen, sister. Amen. Spice it up, people!
• Most Tiresome Awards Show Act - Jack Black singing yet another over the top comedic rock tune. Ok, I get it, dude. I get it. Please stop.
• Oddest Hairdo - Will Ferrell, who showed up looking like Sideshow Bob. I really hope it's for a movie, and not just something he thought would look stellar on Oscar night.
• Most Strangely Buff Presenter - Jessica Biel. She used to be hot, but now she just frightens me.
• Worst Commercial - Some sort of birth control-related ad directing me to fewerperiods.com. Um, thanks but no thanks.
• Funniest Presenter - Jerry Seinfeld with his schtick on not having to clean up after yourself in a movie theater. I miss you, Jerry. Come back, won't you?
• Saddest Songstress - Beyonce Knowles, who desperately tried to out-sing her Dreamgirls co-star, Jennifer Hudson, but ended up getting upstaged instead.
• Lamest Oscar Acceptance Speech Ritual - Not letting the second member of a winning team say even a single word before getting played off by the orchestra. Come on, let that second Oscar winner thank their mom at least, won't you?
• Best Oscar Winner That I've Actually Had Dinner With - Ruby Yang, who won her Academy Award for Best Documentary Short Subject. She's the aunt of my Aussie pal, Natalie Yan. Congrats!
• Most Interesting Shadow Dancing Troupe Creation - I'm not sure why this was a part of the show, but if I had to choose one, I guess I'd pick the 007 gun. I guess.
• Oscar-Nominee Most "Moded" By Ellen - "Marky" Mark Wahlberg. During a comedic bit meant for Martin Scorsese, Ellen made some small talk with Mark Wahlberg, but had to cut him off when he refused to stop talking, and just walked past him. Ouch, Marky Mark. You got moded (for those of you not steeped in 80's schoolyard lingo, here's a definition).
• Most "Moded" Award, First-Runner Up - Clint Eastwood's wife, who's photo taking skills got dissed for Steven Spielberg.
• Dead Person With the Most Applause - Jack Palance. Robert Altman gave him a run at the end, but Jack pulled off the win, capped off by some one-armed push-ups in heaven.
• Most Questionable Ending - Jack Nicholson reading off The Departed as Best Picture winner. Isn't he a bit too biased to be presenting that award? What if The Departed wasn't even written on that card, and Jack just threw it out there? Would they stop the awards show, taser Jack, and read off the real winner instead, or just let The Departed win to save face? Makes you wonder...

What did you think? Did I miss any of your favorite moments?

deja vu all over again

I just got an email from my cell phone carrier proclaiming that "Cingular Wireless is now the new AT&T Wireless!" Truly exciting news if not for one glaring ommision -- Cingular Wireless was already the *old* AT&T Wireless. So bascially this carrier spent tens of millions of dollars to make all the old AT&T Wireless folks forget that they were ever AT&T users, and then a couple years later spent tens of millions of dollars to make sure that these exact same users remembered the AT&T name.

I guess it would be too much to ask for the money to go to something like upgrading cell phone towers to improve coverage. Then maybe that whole "fewest dropped calls of any carrier" campaign might actually be closer to the truth (on a side note, how are they measuring this? Because my calls drop CONSTANTLY. If this was claim was true, Sprint and Verizon must be dropping calls every 5 seconds by comparison).

Oh well, what do I know. Logic and big business don't mix, I should know this by now.

as seen on tv

As an avid television watcher and self proclaimed night owl, I have seen more than my fair share of infomercials. For some reason, this one product in particular stuck out in my mind -- the Quik Top.

What is the Quick Top, you ask? Well according to the website:

Quik Top is the revolutionary new can cap device that prevents spills and keeps your drinks fresh and carbonated by turning any can into a bottle. Quik Tops produce a watertight and airtight seal and they’re guaranteed never to leak.

So essentially, it's a lid that keeps any can of carbonated soda from going flat. Not a terrible idea on paper, but when's the last time you found yourself drinking a 12 ounce can of soda and just felt like there was absolutely no way you could finish it? And even if that were to happen, how much soda would there still be left in the can? Like 4 sips max? Is it really worth twenty bucks to save about 9 cents worth of soda?

I'm absolutely baffled by this product. If you're a Quik Top owner, please, I beg you, explain this to me, won't you?

can you feel the love tonight?

I don't think this is what Elton John had in mind when he wrote that song for the Lion King sountrack...