well isn't that "bazaar"

Stealing straight out of the Demi Moore handbook, a pregnant Britney Spears poses naked on the cover of the latest issue of Harper's Bazaar.

The best thing about this is the text on the cover that reads, "487 Best New Ideas." Apparently they left out best new idea #488 -- DON'T POSE ON THE COVER OF A NATIONAL MAGAZINE WHILE NAKED AND PREGNANT!

meet jordan farmar, your newest los angeles laker...

Yes, another sports post. Sorry to all my sports hatin' peeps -- I'll have something about Real World/Road Rules Challenge and Entourage up here very soon to satisfy your pop culture lovin' sweet tooth.

I just had to comment about the NBA Draft, in particular, my Los Angeles Lakers. Since I'm both a die-hard Laker fan, and a fanatic UCLA Bruin alum, the Jordan Farmar pick at number 26 is especially near and dear to my heart. Honestly, I'm not quite sure where I stand on Farmar -- he is inconsistent but visibly talented. If there's one spot the Lakers need help at, it's the point, so Farmar's not a bad choice here. My quick observations:

STRENGTHS:

• He has a will to win -- While the rest of the Bruins folded faster than 2-7 off-suit in the NCAA Championship game, Farmar stepped up and was fearless driving to the hole. You have to admire that, especially against the big Florida shot-blockers.
  
• He's a true point guard -- Farmar has great court vision and has the ability to deliver a pass in perfect position for teammates to score. Witness the heady dish to Luc Richard Mbah a Moute at the end of the Gonzaga game as Exhibit A. He is adept at the drive and kick, and can split double team traps at midcourt. Most importantly he handles the ball like George Clooney in Ocean's Eleven -- always looks cool and calm, never rattled. Look at the difference Luke Walton made when he was inserted into the Lakers lineup. His passing made all the difference in elevating Lamar Odom's and Kwame Brown's games. It's possible that Farmar can have that kind of impact if inserted into the lineup.
  
• He rocked the pre-draft workouts -- Farmar shined at the Orlando pre-draft camp, showing the athleticism that was stifled in Ben Howland's slow down UCLA half-court offense. He even displayed a 42 inch vertical leap... who knew? He's definitely more athletic than people give him credit for, and he's good at mixing speeds, ala Steve Nash, to get to the hoop and shed defenders.
  
• He's not Smush Parker -- Now, you have to like a guy with the balls to go by the name "Smush," but let's face it, he's not the answer at the point. He's a good high energy bench guy, especially defensively, but he's a liability when he disappears in big games. As I stated already, Farmar is unflappable, and would never have pulled the disappearing act in the Phoenix series that Smush did. He just wouldn't have. If his shot wasn't falling, he would have taken it to the rack against the woeful Nash D. Would he have made the ensuing free throws? Well...

WEAKNESSES:

• He's not the best shooter in the world -- His free throw shooting is sometimes suspect, but he seems to hit them when the game is on the line. Truth is he's not a bad shooter, I've seen him get hot and drain 3's with ease. On the flip side, I've also seen him as cold as Vanilla Ice, forcing shots that he has no business taking. It's a crap shoot. He needs to work on his range and be ready to shoot when Kobe and Lamar draw double teams.
  
• He's not the tallest guy in the world -- Phil Jackson likes tall guards who can defend well. Farmar is no Frodo, but he stands just under 6'1" tall. He is an adequate position defender, but isn't rangy and long like other Jackson prototypes. He may have trouble guarding more athletic point guards in the NBA.
  
• He turns the ball over... alot -- For a point guard, he doesn't take care of the ball like he should. He sometimes forces dangerous passes in traffic when the easy pass would suffice. He also needs to work on backing players down to protect the ball when in half-court sets, rather than constantly facing up every defender. I think studying Sam Cassell's game would be a great proxy for the skill set that Farmar needs to adopt.
  
• He's young -- Farmar is 19, and needs to put on weight and muscle. This means he probably won't contribute right away and may be a year away.
  
• He is just not a handsome man -- His ears stick out like Sloth in the Goonies. His hair is just all over the place. The dude is not attractive. But money can do wonders to a persons looks. Pin back the ears and get a decent haircut, and you're looking at the next Jason Kidd. Is that really such a great thing? Well, the next JKidd is still better than the old JFarm.

So, am I jazzed about this pick? Well, at #26, the pickin's were slim, and the Lakers did try to address a glaring need. I'm hoping that Farmar and last year's #1 pick, Andrew Bynum, make some strides over the summer and start to contribute. If so, next year's Laker team has the chance to step up a notch. I'm definitely excited to see what happens.

mitch kupchak is an idiot

From the Los Angeles Times:

Miami won its first title last week, but Kupchak said the Lakers would pull the trigger on the O'Neal trade again.

"We would not do anything different today than we did two years ago regarding the Shaquille O'Neal trade," Kupchak said. "I understand you'd probably like to ask that question, but the response is … we would have made the deal today, the same deal we made two years ago."

I think Mitch meant this to be indicative of his steely resolve and stick to his guns attitude. Instead it just shows everyone what a complete and utter doofus he is. He gave away a Hall of Fame center who led (maybe led is a bit too strong... assisted?) Miami to a championship in 2 years in exchange for Lamar Odom and little else, and Kupchak would do NOTHING different?

Hey ass... how about at least saying, "maybe I would have tried a little harder to get that Dwyane Wade guy in the trade too?" The guy averages 34.7 points per game in the finals and actually probably could have been thrown into the trade with a stronger negotiator, but yet, Kupchak simply says hey, I would do everything exactly the same?

Sigh. I hate you Mitch Kupchak.

a day at the airport

I am currently sitting in United terminal C-26 at Dulles airport in D.C., right next to this one little lady dressed in her blue-striped oxford shirt and navy blue United vest. She's the Boarding Pass Lady. You know, the person who’s job consists of sliding a long piece of paper into a machine which then spits out a tiny remnant for you to shove into your pocket, only to forget all about it until it becomes a crumpled little ball after the next wash? Yup, that’s her.

Rather than simply gathering and mindlessly squeezing boarding passes into their metal repository, she calls out boarding groups with a glorious zeal not seen outside of Scientologists urged to jump off couches during tapings of syndicated daytime talk shows. Some passengers seem slow in their approach to the gate, causing her to scream at them through the overhead microphone to, "hurry up, the flight is leaving!"

A man at the counter, approximately 20 feet away from Boarding Pass Lady, asks a desk clerk whether he is at the right gate. Before the desk clerk can respond, Boarding Pass Lady screams into the overhead microphone, "flight 785 or flight 760?" Met with no response, her pleas become more fervent. “FLIGHT 785 OR 760?!? HELLLLLLO! FLIGHT 785 or 760!?!?!” The man at the counter looks over at her confused, and then quietly says, “760.” Boarding pass lady yells, “C5, not this gate.” She points excitedly towards the opposite end of the building and exclaims “C5! NOT HERE!” The man gives her an awkward stare and begins his walk down the terminal as the desk clerk simply looks defeated. Boarding Pass Lady smiles… another job well done!

I am also sitting next to a man in an orange vest who obviously should be working somewhere else at the airport, but instead has been chatting on his cell phone for the past 25 minutes. Perhaps the fact that United terminal C-26 is the furthest possible area from any place that a man in an orange vest should be is precisely the reason he is here. He glances over at me throughout the call, a little unhappy that I chose his personal phone booth to sit near, despite a rather sparse waiting area (in my defense, the only power outlet for my laptop happens to be in this exact same row of seats).

After concluding his call, he folds his cell phone and shoves it into his pants pocket. He doesn’t, however, make a move to get up. Instead he slowly surveys the scene, and then reclines more deeply in his chair. Another 15 to 20 minutes elapses before he finally lifts himself off his blue chair, and wanders slowly down the terminal.

All of this left me pondering, which is worse? The woman who cares a tad bit too much about a job that really shouldn’t be given so much care? Or the man who cheats the system and works his hardest to ensure that he does absolutely no work at all? Maybe the answer truly is one or the other, but I like to think that there is no good and bad in this game. Whether you are a lady who takes her job much too seriously or a man who doesn’t take his job seriously enough, they both do what they have to do to get themselves through the day. Isn’t that all we can really hope for in the end?

On second thought, that orange vest guy is a complete lazy ass jerk. Fuck him.

can't stop the madness

It's late-March, and you know what that means. That's right, we're knee deep into the NCAA Hoops Tournament!

The first two rounds of the tournament have been filled with so many upsets, they made Crash's victory over Brokeback Mountain look like a sure bet. 6 of these 8 teams are in the Sweet Sixteen. Can you pick out the two that aren't: Bradley, George Mason, Kansas, Wichita State, Gonzaga, Boston College, Indiana, and West Virginia. If you picked two traditional hoops powerhouses -- Kansas and Indiana -- as the odd men out, you too have a case of March Madness.

Everyone and their mom's have their prediction for who will win this weekend, but I have a fail-safe formula to predict this weekend's winners. I haven't seen any college hoops pundits mention this yet, so you heard it here first!

In round one, we had a matchup of Bruins -- 2nd seeded UCLA versus 15th seeded Belmont. In the second round we had two Wildcats going at it -- Villanova versus Arizona. This coming Friday, the Huskies of UConn and Washington will square off. So in order to keep the streak alive, the only other possible matchup of like-minded mascots will pit the Tigers of LSU and Memphis in the Final Four. Crap, that doesn't bode well for my UCLA Bruins, but fate is fate, people. You just can't fight it.

Here's some other random observations on the weekend:

Fattest player with actual basketball talent:
Glen "Big Baby" Davis of LSU. Imagine Dom DeLuise executing a graceful spin-move in the middle of the key for an easy bucket and then eating a jelly donut. This is exactly what it is like to watch "Big Baby" play hoops. That nickname has to go though. You're not going to scare anyone with a name like that. I suggest "Fat Thunder" -- please pass it on.



Tourney player who most resembles TV's Urkel:
Mustafa Shakur of the University of Arizona (thanks to NBAdraft.net)



Worst facial hair:

Adam Morrison of Gonzaga. This isn't just for the NCAA tournament. This is the all-time worst facial hair ever. Yes, even worse than that wispy little moustache you had in your junior high yearbook photo.



Best team mascot:

The Wichita State Shockers. Which is a damn good name, but they would have sealed this award hands down if they kept their former team name -- the Wheatshockers. I mean look at their mascot:


Does that not strike fear into the hearts of any would-be opponent? Um... yeah.

Most Overrated Conference:
The Big Ten. Thanks for showing up boys. Oh wait, you didn't. Better luck next year.

Most Underrated Conference:
You could make a case for the Pac-10 here -- their teams were maligned all season long as weak, only to have UCLA and Washington in the Sweet Sixteen, with Zona giving #1 seed Villanova all it could handle on Sunday -- but I'm going to have to go with the Missouri Valley Conference. It was widely believed that the four bids given to the conference were a bit like nominating "It's So Hard Out Here for a Pimp" for an Academy Award. It would make for some interesting moments, but come on, there's no chance it could actually win. Well, as Three-6 Mafia proved on Oscar night, sometimes the unthinkable happens. Wichita State and Bradley are both in the Sweet Sixteen, playa. I guess it just got a little easier out here for a pimp.

Best Names:
Luc Richard Mbah a Moute of UCLA and Pops Mensah-Bonzu of George Washington. Look, I know they're no Lucious Pusey, but then again, who is?

links of the day

Today's links of the day are of the sporting variety. But even those who don't watch sports will still enjoy. Don't believe me? Check it out...

Best College Hoops Prank Ever - Those Cal fans are good. Why didn't we think of this first?

Most Unfortunate Sports Name Ever - This one was sent to me by my friend Matt. I thought he made it up at first, but check it out on ESPN.com, Yahoo! Sports, or CBS Sportsline. Poor kid.

More to come...

when rock stars turn to sorcery

This is Eddie Van Halen. Yes, THAT Eddie Van Halen -- former rock idol and the guy who bagged former One Day at a Time teen hottie, Valerie Bertinelli. Now apparently Eddie is well qualified to play the Wicked Witch of the West if anyone wanted to remake the Wizard of Oz. Again, time is not kind, people.

ringing in the new year... finally

Well, this is my first blog of the new year, and a whole heck of a lot has happened since I've been away. For instance:

• I turned the big Three-Oh - Yes, that's right, I'm officially a 30-year old. Sadly, I can no longer claim the rights to being a "20-something." Although, let's face it, I've been old and boring for quite a while. 30 really feels no different than say 26, 27, 28 or 29. Birthdays seemed to lose their magic pretty much after I hit my teen years. Once you take away Chuck E. Cheese, can you *really* call it a birthday "party" anymore?
  
  
• Mamba scores 81 - Kobe Bryant (who incidentally nicknamed himself "Mamba" before the season started) dropped 81 points on the Toronto Raptors. He shot his way through double-teams, triple-teams, quadruple-teams, you name it. Some might call it being a ball hog, but let's face it, all of the other Laker players were colder than Gary Coleman's career. The Lakers were down by 18 well into the 3rd quarter, so in my book, Kobe was well within his rights to start shooting the lights out. I don't think I'll ever see a performance like that again. Well, of course until next week, when Mamba throws down 97.
  
  
• R.I.P. to UPN and The WB - The two networks virtually no one bothers to watch have finally thrown in the towel. That's right, beginning in September both UPN and The WB will disappear into thin air, much like David Copperfield's relationship with Claudia Schiffer. Fret not, Smallville lovers. The two will merge, like Voltron, into a single, more powerful entity known as... um... The CW (the C is for CBS -- the folks who own UPN, and the W is for Warner Bros.). Hey, I'm all for anything that phases out The Parkers and Quintuplets, but The CW? Is that the best they could come up with? I guess the don't teach Originality 101 in TV executives school.
  
  
• The Pussycat Dolls are like a real singing group now - So let me get this straight, a kooky burlesque-inspired stage show that Carmen Electra helped to get off the ground has somehow morphed into a hit-making machine? How is that possible? The closest thing I can equate this to would be Zack, Slater, Screech, and the gang's band, Zack Attack, making it big after Saved By the Bell, and recording a stack of chart-toppers. Only one thing is clear. With song titles like "Don't Cha" and "Stickwitchu," grammar is not job one with the Pussycat Dolls.
  
  
• Janet Jackson bares her breast on national TV! - Um, ok this happened in January of 2004, but still, totally shocking, right?

In any case, I did miss out on quite a bit of news, and that's why I vow to write more regularly from here on out. No really, at least a couple times a week. Well, unless I get lazy again or something. But really what are the chances of that? Hey. Stop laughing.

Until next time!

christmas caroling

It's Christmas time and you know what that means! No, I'm not talking about presents, family, goodwill towards men, or anything like that. I'm talking about Christmas music. It's really the only holiday people write songs for. I mean, how many Easter songs can you name? Halloween songs? Arbor Day songs? I rest my case.

Well, everyone knows all of the traditional Christmas tunes, like Silent Night, White Christmas, Joy to the World... the list goes on and on. They're definitely good tunes, but come on, they're just about as played out as The Apprentice, don't you think?

So let's highlight some of the best non-traditional Christmas tunes of all time. Songs like...

"Last Christmas" by Wham
True, it's a song about heartbreak at Christmas, which is usually a downer. But the peppy karaoke style beat makes the toes tap, and come on, it's by the folks who brought you "Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go)" so it can't be THAT much of a downer. You can't help but smile when George Michael says he "gav" you his heart. Those cheeky brits, even when they mispronounce and butcher words they're still oh so charming, no?

"Blue Christmas" by Elvis Presley
How can you resist Elvis crooning a song about Christmas? Really, you just can't. This is my favorite Christmas song of all time, simply because of the distinctive vocal stylings of the big E. And speaking of big, isn't it astounding how Elvis went from sex symbol to Goodyear blimp in a matter of years? I mean I know people's metabolism slows down as they get older, but for a man to grow to 12 times his previous size, isn't that a tad much? What the heck was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Blue Christmas. Good song.

"This Christmas" by Donny Hathaway
If your idea of a lovely Christmas is mackin' on your fine ass honey to some smoothed out R&B grooves, well this is the Christmas song for you. Word.

"All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey
If you saw the movie Love Actually, you know this song -- it's the one the little girl sings at the end which makes the little boy break every airline regulation in the book so he can tell her he likes her. Mariah is normally a tad over the top, but it works for this song. If I ever need to violate FAA regulations in the name of love, I'm definitely dialing this tune up on the iPod.

And what analysis of non-traditional Christmas songs would be complete without delving into the worst of the worst. The most egregious example of holiday cheer gone wrong goes to none other than:



"Have a Funky, Funky Christmas" by New Kids on the Block
What do you get when you mix a handful of white kids from Boston, some whistles, a couple bells, a drum machine, and some of the saddest rapping this side of Vanilla Ice? That's right, this ode to Christmas. Thanks but no thanks, boys.

Merry Christmas everyone!

links of the day

No, i'm not just being lazy by merely posting links to other sites instead of writing something on my own. Um... ok, so maybe part of it is laziness. But these are quite amusing, and worth wasting at least 1.73% of your day on. Enjoy!

mr. pibb + red vines = crazy delicious!
The funniest SNL skit in quite a while is this quirky little "rap" video about a Sunday afternoon trip to see the Chronicles of Narnia.

this is the true story...
Check out Real World: Austin's Danny, as he strikes a pose. Wicked awesome!

stolen jackass
Really, it's not what you think.

i promise i won't tell
An interesting blog where you can send your deepest darkest secrets on a postcard to have it posted anonymously for the world to see. The best part? The blog owner has made a book out of these submissions, so he is now profitting off your pain. Capitalism rules.

a picture's worth a thousand words
This was part of a Yahoo! PR campaign about 5 years ago, highlighting the fact that some Yahoo! Messenger emoticons were based on actual employees. I can't find the actual press release anymore, but yes, that's me, smirking my life away.