It surprises me that every year Halloween comes and goes, and there's still people who don't get the rules. What rules, you may ask? See, you're part of the problem. It's time to get educated, my friend. It's time to learn the Official Rules of Halloween:
- Girls need to dress scandalously: I'm not saying all girls should dress like whores. Not at all. I'm just saying your costume needs to be more scandalous than your normal, every day outfits. Halloween is the one chance per year to let your hair down and go a tad wild. Don't squander it by carrying around a big piece of cardboard and going as a Facebook profile (true story, and also truly difficult to maneuver in).
- Guys need to do more than wear a tuxedo T-shirt: Seriously. That's not good enough.
- If you go to a Halloween party, you have to wear a costume: Come on. This is non-negotiable. Why even bother going to a Halloween party if you're not going to dress up? Oh wait, that's right. To gawk at girls who dress scandalously. Well, consider that your fee for the privilege to gawk. It's the least you can do.
- All kids under the age of 5 should be dressed as animals: What's cuter than this:
Or this:
I rest my case. Once the kid turns 5, ok, he can be Batman, and she can be a princess. Until then, animals. You'll never have this time back, people. Strike when the iron is hot. - Candy should be given out based on merit: I had kids last year who came to my house with no costume at all, just screaming for candy. On the flipside, I had other kids ringing my doorbell who had fantastic costumes. Why should they both get the same Snickers bars and Sour Patch Kids? This is America, people. We should award candy based on merit. You come to my door with no costume? Well, you get raisins. That's the rules. Will you throw these on my porch, or at my window out of disgust? Probably. But I'm willing to take that chance, because you don't deserve a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. You just don't.
- Older kids should still get candy: Provided they qualify under the rules of candy-giving merit above, Older kids should still get a crack at a treat during Halloween. I mainly put this rule in here because I once went trick-or-treating as a college student at UCLA and I have to defend this somehow.
- Candy corn and black licorice are gross: A timeless observation, but nonetheless as true in 2007 as it was in 1907.
