It's Christmas time and you know what that means! No, I'm not talking about presents, family, goodwill towards men, or anything like that. I'm talking about Christmas music. It's really the only holiday people write songs for. I mean, how many Easter songs can you name? Halloween songs? Arbor Day songs? I rest my case.
Well, everyone knows all of the traditional Christmas tunes, like Silent Night, White Christmas, Joy to the World... the list goes on and on. They're definitely good tunes, but come on, they're just about as played out as The Apprentice, don't you think?
So let's highlight some of the best non-traditional Christmas tunes of all time. Songs like...
"Last Christmas" by Wham
True, it's a song about heartbreak at Christmas, which is usually a downer. But the peppy karaoke style beat makes the toes tap, and come on, it's by the folks who brought you "Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go)" so it can't be THAT much of a downer. You can't help but smile when George Michael says he "gav" you his heart. Those cheeky brits, even when they mispronounce and butcher words they're still oh so charming, no?
"Blue Christmas" by Elvis Presley
How can you resist Elvis crooning a song about Christmas? Really, you just can't. This is my favorite Christmas song of all time, simply because of the distinctive vocal stylings of the big E. And speaking of big, isn't it astounding how Elvis went from sex symbol to Goodyear blimp in a matter of years? I mean I know people's metabolism slows down as they get older, but for a man to grow to 12 times his previous size, isn't that a tad much? What the heck was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Blue Christmas. Good song.
"This Christmas" by Donny Hathaway
If your idea of a lovely Christmas is mackin' on your fine ass honey to some smoothed out R&B grooves, well this is the Christmas song for you. Word.
"All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey
If you saw the movie Love Actually, you know this song -- it's the one the little girl sings at the end which makes the little boy break every airline regulation in the book so he can tell her he likes her. Mariah is normally a tad over the top, but it works for this song. If I ever need to violate FAA regulations in the name of love, I'm definitely dialing this tune up on the iPod.
And what analysis of non-traditional Christmas songs would be complete without delving into the worst of the worst. The most egregious example of holiday cheer gone wrong goes to none other than:
"Have a Funky, Funky Christmas" by New Kids on the Block
What do you get when you mix a handful of white kids from Boston, some whistles, a couple bells, a drum machine, and some of the saddest rapping this side of Vanilla Ice? That's right, this ode to Christmas. Thanks but no thanks, boys.
Merry Christmas everyone!
